Good morning, America! Welcome to your regularly scheduled programming of Let’s Pretend This Will Solve the Systemic Issue. Today’s episode: High schoolers are learning personal finance! Cue the confetti made of shredded loan agreements and expired coupons.
Yes, you read that right. The same students who once needed to be reminded not to microwave metal are now being handed the keys to their financial future in the form of a “stand-alone” class. Because, naturally, if we just teach kids what a 401(k) is before they’ve mastered not losing their debit card at the Taco Bell drive-thru, everything will turn out just fine.
Adulting 101: Crying in Excel
Let’s just start with the word: Adulting. Nothing says “you’re doomed” like turning a noun into a verb to make managing your life sound trendy. “Adulting” is what you call it when you file your taxes, clean out the fridge, and cry because your credit card interest rate is higher than your GPA.
Now, schools are introducing “financial literacy” as if understanding compound interest will somehow cancel out the $2,000-a-month studio apartment with one electrical outlet and a black mold roommate that awaits many of these kids after graduation.
But hey, at least they’ll know how to itemize their despair.
Kentucky Leads the Charge (And the Math Isn’t Terrible)
The latest headline from the Democracy-Dies-in-Darkness-So-We-Gave-You-A-Flashlight paper is that Kentucky is now the 36th state to mandate financial literacy as a graduation requirement. That’s up from 21 states in 2020, which—let’s admit—is a glacial pace considering we’ve had credit cards, banks, and bad decisions for over a century.
Don’t get me wrong. I applaud the effort. Teenagers learning how money works before they take out a $150,000 student loan to major in interpretive pottery? Revolutionary!
But let’s take a moment to ask: Why did it take us this long to tell kids that money doesn’t grow on Postmates receipts?
The Illusion of Control: Now With Graphs!
Meet Theo Bosio, a senior from Michigan who realized he needs millions for retirement. That’s right—millions. Shout out to Theo for discovering at 17 what many of us don’t admit until we’re 47 and mainlining podcasts called “Money for the Hopeless.”
Theo, bless his spreadsheet-loving soul, went so far as to set up a certificate of deposit (CD) with help from his dad. This, for those unfamiliar, is like putting your money in a glorified time capsule that grows slightly more than a regular savings account, provided you don’t touch it for 3–24 months.
Meanwhile, his classmate Lilly Campbell learned to apply for more scholarships instead of the traditional “hope for a miracle” strategy. Progress!
But while this all seems heartwarming—like a financial Hallmark movie—you’ll notice that the solutions are individual, while the problems are structural. And no amount of Roth IRAs can fix a rigged Monopoly board.
The Budget Booth: Capitalism’s Haunted House
Over in California, some schools are getting creative. Sacramento Charter High hosted a financial wellness carnival where students had to visit booths and subtract life expenses like housing, food, and transportation from a fictional salary printed on a punch card.
Imagine the look on 17-year-olds’ faces when they realize child care costs more than their prom budget and emotional stability combined.
“Reality check,” said one student. Understatement of the year. Honestly, someone should’ve brought in a bankruptcy attorney and a bottle of whiskey for realism.
Savings Are Great. Unless You Need To Eat.
Junior Jordan Collins walked away from one of these workshops with $1,000 in savings. Cue the inspirational violin music. This is undoubtedly impressive and should be celebrated. But let’s not pretend a grand in the bank makes you inflation-proof. That’s roughly half a month’s rent in many American cities—or one Taylor Swift ticket and a Diet Coke.
Financial literacy may teach budgeting, but it doesn't teach how to survive an economy designed by people who wear Patagonia vests and destroy civilizations over brunch.
The Credit Score Hunger Games
Let’s talk about the real MVP of modern finance: your credit score—the number that determines whether you can buy a house or if you’ll have to live in your car and name the raccoons.
Students now learn what affects it: on-time payments, credit utilization, length of history. And yet, no one teaches them how to emotionally recover when it drops 60 points because they accidentally opened a Banana Republic credit card while chasing a 15% discount on khakis.
Meanwhile, some classes touch on how to finance a car. They even cover mortgages. This is adorable considering the average price of a house is now a small nation's GDP and most 18-year-olds couldn’t get a mortgage on a Lego set without a co-signer.
Gig Economy: Choose Your Own Exploitation
Some curriculums include info on opening a small business or navigating the gig economy, which is another way of saying, “Here’s how to legally work 3 jobs with no benefits, retirement plan, or hope.”
Nothing screams empowerment like teaching kids to open a DoorDash account while waiting for their Uber Eats shift to start.
Let’s just make it a class: Side Hustle Studies: How To Burn Out Before 30 With No Savings But Lots of Exposure
Teachers on the Front Line of Delusion
The educators featured in this saga are the unsung heroes. People like Brian Johnson in Michigan and Jennifer Pariseau in Maryland are trying to turn algebra into something actually useful—teaching kids how to calculate taxes instead of the hypotenuse of their bankruptcy.
One of Pariseau’s students even convinced her mom to switch banks for lower fees. Another opened a Roth IRA.
Again—good on them. But I can’t help wondering if we’re using these success stories to pat ourselves on the back instead of asking: Why are children the ones responsible for solving adult failures?
The Cursed Truth: Financial Literacy Isn’t Enough
You can be the most financially literate person in the world and still drown in medical debt, student loans, or a surprise $800 vet bill because your dog ate a Nerf dart. (True story.)
Even experts admit that there’s “little evidence” that personal finance classes lead to higher 401(k) adoption or actual retirement savings. You don’t say. Maybe that’s because you can’t invest what you don’t earn. And try explaining “compound interest” to someone making $9.65 an hour at a gas station in a town with no public transit.
It’s like teaching people how to swim while they’re stuck in quicksand. Sure, it’s educational—but also pointless unless someone throws a rope.
Insert Tax Joke Here
Some students, like Albina Rai and Joice Mukamba, are learning about taxes. Mukamba, who works at McDonald’s, discovered she could file her own return. And Albina tried helping her mom file, which was adorably rejected—probably because no parent wants to admit they’re as confused by W-2s as the IRS is by their own rules.
This is good. Taxes are important. But again: Why is a teenager explaining the tax code to adults? The IRS can barely explain it to itself.
And Now: A Totally Helpful Accessibility Statement
Hidden among all the ads for credit cards, crypto apps, and subprime hope, you’ll find something called the Accessibility Statement. It’s like finding a unicorn in your utility bill. This legalese gem assures users that yes, the Washington Post is technically aware that not everyone can access digital content the same way.
Oh thank God! Because nothing says inclusivity like reminding blind or mobility-impaired readers that they can try to read your paywalled article about financial literacy if they first navigate 17 ads and a pop-up newsletter signup.
Let’s just call it what it is: The Accessibility Statement is the Participation Trophy of web design. “We tried!” it screams. “We made the font slightly bigger and added alt text to exactly one stock photo of a piggy bank!”
Bravo. Now if we could only make capitalism itself accessible, we’d be in business.
Final Grades: What Have We Learned?
Let’s recap:
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Financial literacy is great.
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It’s too little, too late.
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Kids are learning how to save for a future they can’t afford in a system rigged against them.
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And the people in charge are acting like that’s a win.
Don’t get me wrong—knowledge is power. But if you hand someone a flashlight and throw them into a pit, don’t act surprised when they still scream.
What we need is not just financial literacy, but economic justice—a world where learning to save actually leads to a future worth saving for. Until then, we’re just putting Band-Aids on bank statements.
So here’s your homework: Learn the difference between net worth and self-worth, understand that a credit score doesn’t determine your value, and remember that being broke is not a moral failure—it’s a policy choice.
And if you’re lucky, your Roth IRA might actually be worth something by the time you’re 90. Assuming there’s still a planet.
P.S. If you made it to the end of this post, congratulations! You now qualify for a gold star and a modest tax deduction on your next sarcasm expense report. You’re officially financially literate and existentially exhausted.
