How to Emotionally Stunt a Child in One Easy Step: Just Yell at Them (A Lot)

byTony Hicks -
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Snarky blog by someone who still flinches when someone raises their voice

Updated April 29, 2025 | Reviewed by Every Inner Child That Ever Cried at a PTA Meeting

Let’s not sugarcoat it—harsh parenting is about as helpful to a child’s development as giving them a pet cactus and telling them to cuddle with it. According to a mountain of research, yelling, name-calling, criticizing, and other Greatest Hits from the "Parenting Like a Dictator" playlist don't raise well-adjusted kids—they raise adults who either need therapy, avoid it like the plague, or both.

And if you’re one of those people who says, “Well, I was raised with a wooden spoon and look how I turned out,” let me stop you right there: You’re literally telling on yourself. You turned out so great you’re defending emotional warfare? Okay, champ. Let’s dive into what the science actually says before you go swearing by your own trauma as gospel.

Step One: Traumatize Early, Regret Later

A recent study out of Brazil tracked over 4,200 kids from birth to 18. That’s right—18 years of watching what happens when parents swap bedtime stories for shouting matches. The result? No, the kids did not become Navy SEALs or Harvard valedictorians. They became emotionally stunted teenagers with low self-esteem, poor emotional regulation, and friendship skills that could rival a raccoon in a dumpster fire.

Forty-five percent of the kids had “moderately harsh” parents. That’s the kind who only shame you in front of your friends, not the kind who startle the neighbor’s cat every time they scream. And even those “moderately harsh” kids ended up with social problems. Turns out, there’s no “safe” dosage of verbal abuse. Who knew?

Spoiler: Scientists. Scientists knew.

“It Builds Character” — Said Every Unhealed Adult Ever

Let’s talk about this lie that harsh parenting "builds character." What it actually builds is a 30-year-old who over-apologizes when someone bumps into them at the grocery store.

Dr. Kimberly Ann Kopko of Cornell’s Bronfenbrenner Center for Translational Research—a name that sounds like it came from the department of "Yes, We Actually Know What We're Talking About"—explains it pretty clearly. Harsh parenting doesn’t teach kids why their behavior was wrong; it just teaches them that they are wrong. There's a big difference. One encourages learning. The other encourages hiding in the bathroom until Dad cools off.

Without context, explanation, or alternative behavior strategies, kids don’t learn emotional regulation or self-discipline. They learn survival. They learn to freeze when someone raises their voice, to cry when they make a mistake, and to flinch when they hear footsteps.

And someday, when they become parents, guess what they pass on?

Generational Trauma: The Family Heirloom Nobody Asked For

Why do parents parent harshly in the first place? Did they lose a bet? Are they trying to audition for the role of “Emotionally Unavailable Dad #3” in every Netflix teen drama? Not quite.

Turns out, most harsh parents are just replaying the trauma reel from their own childhood. A Taiwanese study surveyed over 6,000 parents of kids ages 6 to 12. Surprise: Parents who went full “Because I said so!” were more likely to have had stressful or traumatic childhoods themselves.

Add a dash of untreated depression, a sprinkle of anxiety, and a full serving of emotional dysregulation, and boom—you've got yourself a recipe for replicating trauma like it's a treasured family lasagna recipe. Only instead of feeding your kids pasta, you're feeding them cortisol and confusion.

“But I Only Hit Them When They Deserved It!”

Cool. That’s like saying, “I only lit the kitchen on fire when dinner was late.” Just because you had a reason doesn’t mean it was a good one.

Harsh parenting doesn’t just cause emotional damage; it sets kids up for behavioral issues, too. In China, a massive meta-analysis of 45 studies found that harsh parenting was associated with—you guessed it—defiance, aggression, yelling, ADHD symptoms, and overall emotional chaos. Basically, if you want to raise a child who can’t focus, can’t regulate emotions, and can’t hold down a healthy relationship, keep screaming about that spilled juice box.

It’s the equivalent of throwing water on a grease fire and being shocked that the flames got worse.

The Lie of “Tough Love”

Let’s debunk the most tired phrase in the parental gaslighting arsenal: tough love.

Love doesn’t shame. Love doesn’t belittle. Love doesn’t teach lessons with a clenched jaw and a backhanded compliment. What people often call “tough love” is just unprocessed pain being passed off as discipline. It's the emotional equivalent of “I didn’t have dental care growing up, so you shouldn’t either.”

Want to set boundaries? Great. Want to instill discipline? Go for it. But if you’re confusing authority with cruelty, congratulations—you’re parenting from fear, not love. And kids can tell. They always can.

Here’s a Radical Idea: Intervention That Works

Just because your parenting style resembles a boot camp run by an emotionally constipated drill sergeant doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. There are actual programs—yes, backed by science—designed to help parents become less… well, tyrannical.

The University of Washington studied 20 different interventions and found five that actually help. These programs are based on the Social Development Model, which says that kids learn behavior from the people and institutions around them. (Translation: If you scream, they scream. If you teach kindness, they learn kindness. Revolutionary, I know.)

Among the programs is the Nurse-Family Partnership, which offers actual support for new and expecting moms instead of just passive-aggressive advice from Aunt Karen. These interventions don’t involve shaming parents—they involve helping them. Because here’s the truth: Most harsh parents aren’t evil. They’re just exhausted, overwhelmed, and repeating what was done to them.

If You Feel Attacked, You Might Need to Be

Listen, if you’re a parent and this blog is hitting a little too close to home, maybe that’s the point. Parenting is hard. But passing off yelling, name-calling, and emotional withdrawal as “discipline” isn’t helping your child—it’s haunting them.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to pause before you explode, willing to apologize when you mess up, and willing to get help when you need it. That’s not weakness. That’s parenting with courage instead of cruelty.

The “But I Turned Out Fine” Club: Now Accepting Resignations

If you’re still clutching your membership card in the “My Parents Hit Me and I’m Fine” club, I invite you to examine why you’re so desperate to defend your pain. Maybe you are “fine.” Or maybe your definition of “fine” is built on repressed emotion, trust issues, and an inability to cry without apologizing for it.

Generational healing doesn’t start with denial. It starts with the uncomfortable realization that you were harmed, and you don’t have to keep the cycle going. You get to build a new normal—one where kids feel safe, heard, and loved without fear of punishment lurking behind every mistake.

Final Snark: Yelling Is Not a Parenting Strategy, It’s a Warning Sign

Let’s put it bluntly: If your parenting style resembles a horror movie soundtrack, it’s time to call in reinforcements. Children aren’t tiny soldiers. They’re not your emotional punching bags. They’re not here to fix your past. They’re here to grow into whole, emotionally balanced humans—and they can’t do that while dodging verbal grenades.

Harsh parenting isn’t discipline. It’s damage control disguised as control. The good news? You can stop the cycle. You can parent with firmness and kindness. You can raise strong kids without raising your voice.

And if you don’t want to believe me, fine. Believe the thousands of pages of peer-reviewed research, the therapists rebuilding the broken pieces, and the adult children writing memoirs with titles like "I Swear I'm Not Mad, I Just Have Anxiety."

Or, you know, keep yelling and see how that goes.

TL;DR for the Harsh But Efficient

  • Harsh parenting = yelling, shaming, hitting, and other childhood ruiners.

  • It messes with kids’ emotions, self-esteem, and friendships. Long-term.

  • It’s usually passed down from traumatized parents who never got help.

  • Intervention programs exist and are scientifically proven to help.

  • Saying “I turned out fine” while defending emotional abuse is a red flag.

  • You can break the cycle. Or you can break your kid’s spirit. Choose wisely.

Resources for Breaking the Cycle:

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