So, you bought an Instant Pot. Congrats! Welcome to the cult. You probably raved about it for two weeks straight, then proudly shoved it into a cabinet next to the unused spiralizer and that "smart" scale you downloaded a whole app for once. And just when you finally remembered it existed, you committed a culinary crime and tried to make cookies in it.
Let’s have an intervention. Your Instant Pot, like most tech-savvy kitchen gadgets, is powerful—but not magical. It won’t babysit your culinary delusions or turn sad ingredients into miracles just because it has 87 buttons and a lid that hisses like Satan’s teakettle. And no, just because TikTok said it works doesn’t mean it should.
Here's a lovingly snarky guide to the 10 foods you need to stop torturing in your Instant Pot. Don’t make us come over there.
1. Seafood: Because You Deserve Better Than Shrimp-Flavored Erasers
Ah yes, seafood. Nature’s most delicate protein. A buttery, flaky marvel of ocean engineering. So what do you do with it? Slam it into a pressure-sealed metal chamber and boil it like it owes you money.
Fish, shrimp, mussels, clams—they all have one thing in common: they hate being overcooked. And your Instant Pot? Its entire vibe is overcooking things until they surrender. This is the same appliance that turns brisket into baby food. What did you think it was going to do to your cod filet?
Exception: Octopus and squid. Because they’re basically chewy Lovecraftian monsters to begin with, and pressure cooking can actually tame them. Just, you know, follow a recipe written by someone with tentacle experience.
2. Fried Food: Crispy Dreams, Soggy Realities
You thought the Instant Pot was going to give you golden, crunchy fries? That’s cute.
Pressure cookers and crispiness go together like oil and water. Which, fun fact, is also why the Instant Pot isn't a deep fryer. Frying requires high, sustained temperatures and open oil surfaces—not steam baths in a stainless-steel coffin. Want crunch? Buy an air fryer. Or go old school with a cast iron pan and a reckless disregard for oil splatter burns.
Carnitas, by the way, are a great use for the Instant Pot. But they still need a crispy finish. So use the broiler or a skillet like a grown-up. You’re not making baby food, you’re making tacos.
3. Dairy: If You Like Curdled Cheese Pudding, We Can’t Be Friends
The Instant Pot has many talents. Creating silky sauces and luxurious cheese-based dishes is not one of them. Dairy in an Instant Pot is the culinary equivalent of texting your ex—it might seem like a good idea at first, but it ends in regret and a lumpy mess.
Milk, sour cream, cheese—these dairy divas do not appreciate being blasted with high-pressure heat. They will split, curdle, and rebel in ways that make your Alfredo taste like sadness.
Acceptable dairy moment: Yogurt. Yes, there's a setting. Yes, you can make it if you follow directions. Cheesecake too—but only if you're following an Instant Pot-specific recipe and you've accepted that you're steaming it, not baking it. No, it won’t have a crust. Yes, people will eat it anyway.
4. Pasta: You’re Not in a Dorm Room Anymore
Can you cook pasta in an Instant Pot? Sure. Can you also wear socks with sandals? Also yes. Should you? No. Never.
Pressure-cooked pasta comes out somewhere between gummy worms and papier-mâché. If you're lucky, it's edible. If not, congratulations: you’ve made glue.
Boiling water on a stovetop is not that hard. It takes 10 minutes and gives you control. Remember control? It’s what you had before you tried to cook angel hair in a steam prison.
And don’t even get me started on “one pot pasta” recipes that toss in the sauce, water, and noodles all at once. That’s not efficiency. That’s culinary chaos. Your Nonna is weeping.
5. Two Recipes, One Pot: AKA the Dry Chicken & Mushy Potatoes Special
Cooking your meat and veggies together in an Instant Pot sounds like a Pinterest win. In reality, it’s a mushy, disjointed mess. It’s like expecting your boss and your weird uncle to carpool to a wedding and actually get along.
Different ingredients need different cooking times. Potatoes take 5 minutes. Chuck roast? 45. Carrots? Somewhere in between but who’s counting (clearly not you). The Instant Pot doesn't negotiate. It just blasts everything until the weakest link gives up.
The result? A soggy side dish clinging to an undercooked hunk of disappointment. Just cook things separately like a civilized adult.
6. Cakes: For When You Want Your Dessert to Taste Like a Damp Apology
Instant Pot cakes are not baked. They’re steamed. If that sounds appealing, you might also enjoy moist socks and cake that tastes like it was left in the shower.
You won’t get that golden crust. No Maillard reaction. No chewy edges. No joy. You get a sponge that weeps when touched.
Sure, it’s handy in a pinch. You forgot Karen’s birthday and now you’re panic-baking in a metal drum. Fine. But don’t pretend this is anything other than an emergency backup. The oven exists. Use it.
7. Canning: Ah Yes, Let’s Add Botulism to the Shopping List
So you thought you could use the Instant Pot to can your grandmother’s famous pickled beets. I’m just going to stop you there and ask if you have a solid health insurance plan.
Canning requires precise temperature control. The kind that the Instant Pot cannot provide. There are warnings about this. From scientists. Who study food safety. Which you are casually ignoring while sealing low-acid vegetables into little jars of potential doom.
If you love your family, don't Instant Pot your preserves. Buy a proper pressure canner. Or better yet, just give people cookies. That you made in the oven.
8. Steak: Because Murdering a Ribeye Should Be a Crime
If you’re putting a $20 cut of steak into a pressure cooker, I want you to log off, go outside, and think about your choices. The Instant Pot is not a sous vide machine. It's not a grill. It’s not even a competent pan-sear. It’s a steam-powered protein pummeler.
Good steak is about control and caramelization. It wants heat. Contact. Flame. Romance.
The Instant Pot? It’s the opposite of that. You will not end up with a juicy medium-rare. You will end up with grey, fibrous sadness that tastes like betrayal.
9. Red and Yellow Lentils: Say Hello to Instant Baby Food
Brown and green lentils? Knock yourself out. They’re sturdy little legumes with big Instant Pot dreams. But red and yellow lentils? They’re soft, sensitive souls. And you’ve just sentenced them to death by pressure.
They cook in five minutes on a stovetop. In an Instant Pot, they disintegrate into a pastel smear suitable only for infants or texture-blind soup fans.
You were aiming for curry. You got lentil pudding. Congratulations.
10. Cookies: You Absolute Menace
Cookies. In an Instant Pot. I don’t even know what to say anymore.
Why? Why would you do this?
What is the vision here? A beautiful, gooey, fresh-baked cookie… steamed in a soup pot? Do you hate joy?
Cookies want convection. They want air. They want to spread out, get crispy edges, and be lovingly ignored in a 350°F oven while you scroll Instagram. They do not want to be smooshed into a heat-trapped cauldron that infuses them with moist despair.
There’s a reason you don’t see cookie shops using pressure cookers. Please… don’t be that person.
Final Thoughts: Know Thy Machine, or Regret Thy Dinner
The Instant Pot is a champion at many things. It’s the MacGyver of dump-and-go meals, the superhero of shredded meat, the sorcerer of stews. But it’s not a bakery. It’s not a fryer. It’s not your grandma’s canner, and it’s not a five-star grill.
Stop expecting your Instant Pot to be your mom, your chef, your therapist, and your entire kitchen staff. It’s a damn fine gadget—but like all relationships, it has limits. Respect those, and it’ll love you back. Disrespect them, and you’ll be stuck spooning curdled fettuccine next to a can of lentil goo, wondering where it all went wrong.
Now go make some pulled pork like a civilized human being. And for the love of Julia Child—put the shrimp back in the pan.