Once upon a time, in a city drowning in tourists, cruise ships, and existential dread about climate change, the richest bald man in the known universe and his helicopter-flying fiancée decided to celebrate their love—by turning Venice into a catwalk for celebrities with more stylists than Italy has gondoliers.
Yes, folks, Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez are married, and it only cost Venice its last shred of authenticity.
Let’s dive into this three-day bacchanal of couture, superyachts, and passive-aggressive umbrella branding.
DAY ONE: STILETTOS ON COBBLESTONES
Our tale begins with Lauren Sanchez wafting out of the Aman Hotel in a Schiaparelli dress so tight it probably had its own NDA, smiling beside Jeff Bezos, who looked like a bouncer at a space-themed casino in Monte Carlo. No offense, Jeff—OK, maybe a little.
Their procession through Venice wasn't so much a wedding as it was an interactive runway show with boat transfers. Guests weren’t just attending—they were modeling despair for the proletariat, one glossy photograph at a time.
You think I'm exaggerating? Even Kylie Jenner’s three-year-old son was critiqued by The Daily Mail for carrying a plush monkey that might—might—be a Baby Milo accessory previously held by Timothée Chalamet. Yes, welcome to late-stage capitalism, where toddlers and their toys get dissected like Oscar gowns.
CELEBRITY GUESTS: INFLUENCERS IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT
You can always count on a Kardashian-Jenner to show up for a luxury Instagram moment—and they did, en masse. Kris styled her hair like Audrey Hepburn, proving once again that she can rebrand any moment of human history into a lifestyle blog. Kim channeled ’90s Gianni Versace. Kendall and Kylie served looks best described as “AI-generated fashion prompt: opulence, but make it scream.”
Oprah showed up looking like she was ready to deliver a sermon to the billionaire congregation. Tom Brady was seen mingling, possibly wondering if he could throw a football across the Grand Canal. Leonardo DiCaprio was there too, bravely pretending this wedding wasn’t five years outside his dating bracket.
And of course, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner emerged from their crypt at the St. Regis in gowns and smug grins, ready to pretend their surname doesn’t trigger international sanctions in certain circles.
VENICE: THE REAL WEDDING PROP
It must be nice to be so rich you can use an entire UNESCO World Heritage city as a backdrop for your wedding, like it’s a Netflix set and not a sinking lagoon gasping under mass tourism and climate change.
Even Calvin Klein, who didn’t attend (but still found time to opine, because of course), called it “life at its wealthiest level.” That’s fashion speak for “unrelatable on every level but the lens.”
And it wouldn’t be a modern fairy tale without protests. Activists from Greenpeace and the action group Everyone Hates Elon (possibly the most honest organization name in human history) unfurled a 20x20 meter banner in Piazza San Marco that screamed, “If you can rent Venice for your wedding, you can pay more tax.” To which Jeff Bezos presumably whispered back, “I gave to UNESCO, now hush.”
BEZOS: A MODERN MEDICI WITH A WARDROBE FROM SPACE FORCE
Let’s talk about Jeff.
Bezos rocked a classic tuxedo, but with the kind of overconfidence only a man who has launched himself into orbit can wear. He looked like he might open his mouth and command Alexa to begin the vows.
Lauren Sanchez, the bride of the hour, wore a custom Dolce & Gabbana gown described as “a piece of poetry.” A reminder that most poetry doesn't cost six figures or require yacht coordination to be effective, but we digress. The couple met the designers years ago, presumably when their yachts got caught in an awkward dance in Portofino.
And speaking of yachts—yes, they were parked like Bentleys outside Nobu, drifting beside the canals like mechanical swans made of ego and luxury.
NO PHONES, NO SHAME, NO AMAZON SHIPPING CONFIRMATIONS
In a move that sounds quaint and controlling in equal measure, all wedding guests had to surrender their phones. You know, to keep things intimate, classy, and to prevent Oprah’s TikTok from revealing the “I do”s before Vogue could run its exclusive.
So far, there’s no word if Annie Leibovitz is shooting the official wedding photos. She's apparently out of the country, possibly fleeing the responsibility of turning this visual fever dream into “art.”
But Vogue did get the scoop on the dress, meaning someone’s PR manager worked overtime. Tierney Gearon took the pics, capturing that I’m marrying one of the richest men on Earth in couture so expensive it could fund a public school district vibe.
BRANDED UMBRELLAS AND BRAND STRATEGY
Rain? Inconvenient. Solution? Blue umbrellas matching Amazon’s branding. If you think that’s coincidental, I’ve got a lightly used Fire Phone to sell you.
Amazon, naturally, declined to comment on whether the umbrellas or the wedding attire would be available for purchase. But let’s be honest—some intern is absolutely pitching a “Prime Wedding Edit” for 2026.
Retail analyst Bruce Winder was quick to call the event a PR goldmine for Amazon. And why not? Bezos just showed that if your marketing budget is infinite, your wedding can double as a lifestyle campaign and a soft-power diplomatic mission.
And remember: Prime Day is coming July 8–11. The timing of the wedding? Just far enough in advance to give your credit card time to recover.
GIFTS? NO THANKS. JUST DONATE TO THE CITY WE RENTED.
Instead of a registry, Bezos and Sanchez opted to donate to various Venetian nonprofits. A nice gesture, if somewhat undercut by the whole “shut down Venice for our wedding” vibe.
CORILA, the lagoon research nonprofit, received a “generous donation” but noted that Bezos and Sanchez didn’t specify where they wanted the money to go. That’s billionaire-speak for “Here’s a wad of cash, now don’t bug us about the carbon footprint of our yacht convoy.”
Even Venice International University got a donation, though no one will say how much. In the absence of numbers, we can only assume it was less than a yacht, more than a gondola.
THE REAL WINNERS: PASTRY AND PRADA
Let’s spare a moment for the true MVPs of the weekend—Venice’s oldest bakery, Rosa Salva, who were busy prepping pastries for the elite while casually mentioning that they use Amazon to order coffee trays.
When a sixth-generation baker starts plugging Prime, you know the branding team at Amazon is already halfway through a PowerPoint called “Venetian Elegance: Baked Fresh, Delivered Faster.”
Still, for all the celebrity and sugar, there’s one party not benefitting: Noventa di Piave Designer Outlet. Despite housing stores for Prada, Gucci, and Dolce & Gabbana, staff reported no bump in sales. Turns out watching Kylie Jenner wear Versace in a 15th-century cathedral doesn’t make the average shopper sprint to a discount mall. Who knew?
AND THE VERDICT IS…
If you’re wondering what it all means—the three-day parade of wealth, the Schiaparelli bodices, the whispering rain on designer fabrics—don’t worry. You’re not supposed to understand it. You’re supposed to gawk at it, like an exhibit titled “Extreme Excess: A Cautionary Tale in Couture.”
The Bezos-Sanchez wedding wasn’t just a wedding. It was a mood board for rich people, a micro-series of “Succession” guest-directed by Vogue, and a gentle reminder that when billionaires throw parties, the rest of us get Instagram ads for the $9.99 knockoff version.
But at least we’ll always have the photos.
And the Amazon Prime Day countdown.
Coming soon: Bezos-Sanchez Wedding – The Limited Series on Amazon Prime.
Episode 1: “The Umbrellas of Capitalism.”
Episode 2: “Pastries for the 1%.”
Episode 3: “Love in the Time of Yacht-Based Networking.”
Streaming free with your Prime subscription, of course.
#WeddingOfTheWealthy #LaurenAndJeffTakeVenice #PrimeAndPrejudice #RainOnTheirParade