Democratic Front-Runner Zohran Mamdani Declares “Every Child Is Gifted, Especially the Ones Who Can’t Sit Still”
By The Brutal Truth Desk | The Onion’s NYC Bureau | October 4, 2025
NEW YORK CITY — In what education experts are calling “a bold leap toward total mediocrity,” Democratic front-runner Zohran Mamdani announced his plan to phase out New York City’s gifted-and-talented kindergarten program, effectively ending the city’s decades-long experiment in determining which toddlers are secretly Harvard-bound and which ones still eat glue recreationally.
Photo: A 4-year-old solemnly handing in their Mensa resignation letter while their mother weeps into a Montessori brochure.
The proposal, immediately hailed as “either visionary or deeply stupid depending on your co-op board,” has detonated a political hornet’s nest across the five boroughs.
Parents are in chaos. Candidates are in heat. And somewhere in Brooklyn, a preschooler just launched a Super PAC.
š “We Believe All Children Are Gifted, Except Yours”
At a press conference outside City Hall, Mamdani smiled serenely as a swarm of journalists and neurotic parents gathered like pigeons around a dropped bagel.
“Testing four-year-olds is unethical,” Mamdani declared. “Children should be free to learn at their own pace — ideally in a classroom with 32 others doing TikTok dances during phonics.”
He then paused to accept applause from a crowd of progressive parents who’d already enrolled their own children in $48,000-a-year private Montessori programs named after obscure Nordic minerals.
Photo: Mamdani at the podium, glowing like a man who just told New Yorkers they can’t have nice things.
š§ The Gifted Program: Where Dreams and Anxiety Collide
New York’s gifted-and-talented program — or “Baby Ivy League,” as it’s known among therapists — currently admits about 2,500 kindergartners out of 55,000. Each child is handpicked by their pre-K teacher, who must somehow determine whether a child stacking blocks is expressing architectural genius or just vibing with gravity.
The program’s existence has long divided the city: one camp views it as an unfair privilege system that perpetuates inequality, while the other camp views it as the last remaining sign that the city hasn’t completely surrendered to chaos and corruption.
Photo: Parents refreshing the DOE portal like it’s a Taylor Swift ticket queue.
Mamdani’s plan would allow existing students to stay in the program — a move some critics called “too little too late,” and others called “finally, a reason to sell our brownstone and move to Scarsdale.”
šø Cuomo Emerges From Political Cryogenic Sleep to Defend Genius
Enter former Governor Andrew Cuomo, who smelled a headline and emerged from whatever Hudson Valley compound he’s been haunting.
Cuomo, now running as a third-party candidate, called Mamdani’s plan “destructive and emblematic of a deeper problem in today’s Democratic Party — namely, people doing things I didn’t think of first.”
“The gifted program is the only way extraordinary children can excel,” Cuomo said, adjusting his tie in front of cameras he swore he didn’t invite. “If we end it, how will we identify the next generation of future governors accused of poor judgment?”
Photo: Cuomo standing in front of 17 microphones, each one powered by a different grudge.
Cuomo then promised to expand gifted classes — mostly in areas where his polling numbers still exist — and concluded with a pledge to make “every child in New York feel special, as long as they can prove it on standardized testing.”
š¶ “My Toddler Deserves a Meritocracy!” Screams Parent in Trader Joe’s Parking Lot
The backlash among affluent parents was immediate and loud enough to be detected by seismographs in New Jersey.
“I’m not elitist,” said Upper East Side mother Chloe Vanderly, holding her child’s Kaplan prep materials for the 4-year-old gifted exam. “But if my son doesn’t test into gifted, how will we prove that our $7,000-a-month daycare was worth it?”
Photo: A parent clutching flashcards titled “Cognitive Mastery for the Pre-Literate.”
On social media, thousands of parents joined the online movement #SaveGifted, a coalition of Facebook groups, WhatsApp threads, and people who think “equity” is what happens to your condo value after a renovation.
Meanwhile, working-class families — the ones actually using public schools — wondered how they’d been drafted into yet another culture war about preschool bragging rights.
š¬ “It’s Hurting the People He Wants to Help,” Says Parent Who Just Said the Same Thing About Rent Control
Some parents argued that Mamdani’s plan punishes middle-class families who can’t afford private education or tutoring but still want their kids to have a shot at opportunity.
“It’s hurting the people he talks about helping — the working class and middle class,” said Yiatin Chu, co-founder of a group with a name that sounds like a hedge fund: Parent Leaders for Accelerated Curriculum and Education.
Chu explained that removing gifted programs treats students “like one size fits all.”
Critics immediately noted that New York City already treats students like “one size fits none.”
Photo: DOE administrators trying to fit 33 students into a classroom the size of a subway car.
š« Equity, Envy, and Existential Despair
Proponents of Mamdani’s plan argue that the gifted program exacerbates racial and income inequality — since Black and Latino students make up a smaller percentage of the program than of the city’s student body.
Opponents argue that ending the program doesn’t solve inequality — it just spreads the misery more evenly.
“It’s like fighting poverty by banning money,” said one policy analyst between nervous gulps of La Croix.
Photo: Chart showing “Equity Achieved” as all lines plummet equally.
Education advocates like Nyah Berg of New York Appleseed say that families just want “accelerated learning opportunities that are widely accessible.” Which, in New York, is like saying you want “affordable apartments with sunlight and no roaches.”
š³️ Curtis Sliwa Enters the Chat
Republican candidate Curtis Sliwa, smelling blood and Red Bull, dove headfirst into the debate wearing his iconic red beret and 1980s-era sense of relevance.
“These guys — Mamdani and Cuomo — are two peas in a pod!” Sliwa shouted into a microphone, confusing everyone who thought he’d retired to a Staten Island podcast bunker.
He accused both men of “failing our children,” before pivoting to his proposal: an education system where every child gets a beret, learns street smarts, and graduates with the ability to punch crime in the face.
Photo: Sliwa mid-yell, pointing at a chalkboard that simply says “Common Core = Communism.”
Cuomo’s spokesman later called Sliwa’s comments “inaccurate,” though the word “desperate” might have fit better.
š½ The Kindergarten Hunger Games
Within hours of Mamdani’s announcement, New York’s parent group chats went DEFCON 1.
By nightfall, PTA meetings had turned into underground fight clubs where mothers debated Rousseau, while fathers compared 529 plans like PokƩmon cards.
Photo: Anonymous parent sharpening a protractor in a dimly lit gymnasium.
“Gifted programs are just segregation by stroller,” said one Brooklyn dad, clutching his ethically sourced kombucha. “If all kids learned together, we’d have real community.”
He then left to pick up his daughter from a private coding academy named Tiny Disruptors.
šÆ️ The Media Frenzy: “Gifted and Talented” Becomes Cable News Gold
Cable networks immediately flooded airtime with pundits debating whether “gifted” education is inherently elitist or just an efficient way to detect future sociopaths.
On MSNBC, one commentator said, “This is about equity.”
On Fox News, another said, “This is about communism.”
On CNN, a panel of 14 experts concluded absolutely nothing.
Meanwhile, four-year-olds across the city remained blissfully unaware, preoccupied with finger painting and discovering the existential terror of sharing.
š® Polls Show “Gifted” Debate Has Replaced Weather as Small Talk Topic
According to a new Quinnipiac poll, 72% of New Yorkers said they have “strong feelings” about the gifted program, 14% said they’re “tired of everything,” and the remaining 14% were toddlers who just said “juice.”
In one focus group, a Manhattan parent began sobbing when asked whether intelligence should be measured in kindergarten, saying, “If my daughter isn’t gifted, what am I?”
Photo: A parent staring into the abyss of their child’s participation trophy.
⚙️ The Machine Grinds On
Education reform in New York is a cyclical ritual — like the seasons, but angrier.
Bill de Blasio tried to end the gifted program in 2021.
Eric Adams tried to revive it.
Now Zohran Mamdani is trying to kill it again, like some cursed educational Groundhog Day.
Photo: City Hall filing cabinet labeled “Gifted Program: Do Not Open Until Next Election.”
Insiders say Mamdani’s proposal is part of a broader campaign theme: “Let’s make education equitable by ensuring no one gets ahead.”
His aides later clarified that this slogan was “a metaphor,” though focus groups found it “alarmingly literal.”
š§© The Think Tank Circus
Think tanks immediately pounced on the chaos.
The Manhattan Institute released a report titled “Gifted Kids Deserve Better: Why Kindergarten Should Resemble West Point.”
The Brooklyn Progressives for Emotional Intelligence responded with “No Child Left Exceptional.”
And a rogue economist published “IQ Is a Social Construct Invented by Real Estate Developers.”
Photo: A chalkboard covered in words like “Equity,” “Empathy,” and “Suburban Escape Plan.”
šŖ Meanwhile, in Real Classrooms
While politicians and pundits argued about the morality of labeling children “gifted,” actual teachers quietly continued doing the impossible: trying to teach literacy in rooms that smell faintly of anxiety and cafeteria pizza.
“I don’t care if they’re gifted or not,” said one kindergarten teacher in Queens. “I just want fewer kids licking the glue sticks.”
Photo: Teacher holding a “world’s okayest educator” mug.
š The Hornet’s Nest Lives Up to Its Name
Even Mamdani’s supporters admit the timing is wild — launching an education grenade in an election dominated by housing costs, crime, and the eternal question: “Why does the subway smell like regret?”
But for Mamdani, this is the hill to die on.
“Ending the gifted program is about fairness,” he told reporters. “Besides, if kids are truly gifted, they’ll figure it out on their own — preferably without adult supervision.”
Photo: Campaign banner reading “Zohran for Equity: Because 4-Year-Olds Shouldn’t PeaK.”
š§© Political Fallout: Cuomo vs. Mamdani vs. Sliwa — A Tragedy in Three Acts
Act I: Mamdani — The idealist reformer, determined to make New York more equitable even if it kills him politically.
Act II: Cuomo — The comeback king, reborn through the ashes of scandal, armed with PowerPoint slides and selective amnesia.
Act III: Sliwa — The street fighter, trying to convince anyone under 60 that the 1980s never ended.
Together, they form the Bermuda Triangle of educational competence.
Photo: Political debate stage lit like a hostage video.
š§ “We Just Want Stability,” Says Parent Squeezing Juice Box in Rage
In District 2, 10,000 families applied for just 2,500 gifted seats.
In District 4, 97 applied and 16 got in.
The rest are now enrolled in what’s known as “general education,” which — according to one anonymous parent — “sounds like purgatory with crayons.”
Photo: PowerPoint slide titled ‘Where Ambition Goes to Die.’
When asked whether they’d consider moving to another district, one parent said, “I’d rather homeschool my child in a Trader Joe’s freezer aisle.”
šÆ️ A Vision for the Future: Everyone Equally Burned Out
Supporters say Mamdani’s plan levels the playing field. Critics say it levels the city’s remaining sanity.
But all agree: this debate will return like a bad penny, or a DOE login error.
In the end, maybe that’s the true lesson — that in New York, “gifted” isn’t something you’re born with. It’s the endurance to survive the bureaucratic labyrinth of people arguing about it.
Photo: Toddler holding campaign sign reading “I Just Wanted Recess.”
š Epilogue: The City That Grades Itself on a Curve
As the mayor’s race barrels toward Election Day, New Yorkers are once again forced to choose between three versions of absurdity:
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Mamdani, who wants equality so bad he’ll ban talent to get it.
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Cuomo, who’s campaigning on nostalgia for a time when corruption at least came with PowerPoints.
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Sliwa, who believes every social problem can be solved with more berets.
And in the background: millions of exhausted parents, wondering if “gifted” is just a euphemism for “has Wi-Fi at home.”
Photo: The skyline at dusk, whispering, “You could always move to Jersey.”