If you’ve ever been told that eating "within guidelines" makes anything healthier, allow me to introduce you to the delightful circus act that is modern nutrition science. Or more specifically, the brilliantly awkward tug-of-war between food industry marketing departments and the people still trying to figure out why their "whole grain, low fat, vitamin-enriched, heart smart" lunch made them pass out at 2 p.m. like a tranquilized zoo animal.
Enter the UPDATE trial (no, not your computer screaming at you during a Zoom call), but a real-deal randomized, controlled, crossover study that dared to ask: what if we actually tested whether processed food—even if it wears a kale sticker and a fake mustache of “Eatwell” approval—still wrecks your health?
Spoiler alert: it does. But let’s unpack it with a healthy dollop of sarcasm.
The Setup: A Battle of Franken-Food vs Grandma’s Kitchen
So here’s what happened. Fifty-five adults in England—who, bless them, lived largely on a diet that looked like the backstage catering at a preschool birthday party (UPF: Ultra-Processed Food)—volunteered to spend 8 weeks eating actual food (Minimally Processed Food, or MPF) and 8 weeks eating "healthy" UPF that still qualified under the UK’s Eatwell Guide. Think tofu nuggets, cereal that sounds like a hedge fund, lentil chips, and smoothies with the nutritional depth of LaCroix.
Each participant got all their food delivered, and every bite was monitored. Nothing else changed—no CrossFit, no Ozempic, no “I’m doing a juice cleanse to center my chakras” nonsense. Just food. And the result?
Everybody lost weight, but people lost more weight on the MPF diet. Specifically:
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2.06% weight loss on MPF
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1.05% weight loss on UPF
“Only 1% difference!” you say? Right, except:
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That’s 1% of total body weight.
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The MPF diet wasn’t hyped by Big Cereal and fake cheese ads.
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You’re still hung up on percentages while people’s guts are literally full of regret and emulsifiers.
But Wait—Processed Food Followed the Rules!
This wasn’t your average UPF diet full of Funyuns and Twinkies. This was responsible ultraprocessing. The food was:
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Lower in sugar, fat, and salt (allegedly)
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Full of “natural” sounding things like “plant-based alternatives” and “reformulated breakfast cereal”
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Packaged in eco-chic fonts whispering promises like “whole grain,” “low saturated fat,” and “good source of fiber” while secretly hiding 43 different stabilizers and preservatives
And yet... it still underperformed.
Because you can slap a government-approved label on a candy bar and call it lunch, but it turns out your digestive system knows when it's being gaslit.
Craving Control: MPF 1, UPF 0
Let’s talk about appetite. Because if you’ve ever opened a bag of “baked vegetable crisps” and blacked out only to wake up with crumbs on your lap and existential dread in your soul, this is for you.
The MPF diet crushed it in reducing cravings. People reported:
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Less hunger
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Less compulsive snacking
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Better control over cravings for sweet and salty stuff
Meanwhile, the UPF diet—bless its clean packaging—still made people feel like they were about one stressor away from licking a Pop-Tart wrapper.
Let’s call it what it is: UPF doesn’t satisfy hunger, it stimulates it. That’s not a bug—it’s a feature. These foods are engineered by people with degrees in “How To Make Humans Addicted to Edible Styrofoam.”
Adverse Events: When Your Food Gives You the Ick
Now, let’s discuss the gastrointestinal carnival.
Here’s what happened more often on the UPF diet:
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Constipation
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Reflux
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Fatigue
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Sleep issues
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Random infections (yes, even your immune system was like, “nah fam, I’m out”)
It’s not just your imagination that UPF makes you feel gross. Even when “made healthy,” processed food has a funny way of making your gut feel like a clogged airport terminal on a bank holiday.
MPF, meanwhile, had people pooping like pros and sleeping like sloths. Coincidence? Probably not.
Cardiometabolic Health: UPF Gets a Gold Star in Lipid Confusion
Here’s where it gets weird. LDL cholesterol actually dropped on the UPF diet.
That’s right. The "bad cholesterol" fell when people were eating nutrient-labeled, reformulated convenience food. But here's the kicker: the good kind of fat (fat mass) didn’t budge much, meaning the weight loss wasn’t meaningful where it counts.
MPF, on the other hand, shaved off more fat mass, more visceral fat (the scary kind that hugs your organs like a clingy ex), and improved triglycerides. And crucially, it did all this while making people feel full and in control of their appetites.
TL;DR: UPF might make your cholesterol lab look better for a hot second, but it’s not changing the fact that your internal organs are living in a neighborhood that looks like a Superfund site.
Energy Intake: You Are What You Can’t Stop Eating
Calories were lower on both diets—but guess what? MPF folks naturally ate 503 fewer calories per day, without being told to. UPF folks only cut 289.
Why? Because MPF makes you chew, taste, and—shocking—actually register that you’ve eaten something. UPF disappears faster than your willpower on a Sunday night, and then whispers sweet nothings like “it’s low fat” while you lick plastic spoon #6.
The food industry has mastered the art of making food that you can inhale. Not eat. Inhale.
Aesthetics Matter: MPF Lost on Taste and Convenience
Here’s one place the UPF diet won: people said it was tastier and more convenient.
Of course it was. These are foods designed by corporate R&D labs with million-dollar budgets to simulate dopamine hits. MPF is raw carrots and lentils that don’t come with instructions.
But just because UPF tastes better doesn’t mean it is better. Heroin feels good too. Doesn’t mean it should be your breakfast.
The Real World: Where Adherence and Marketing Collide
One genius move in this study was keeping UPF in its original branded packaging. Because in the real world, you don’t eat UPF out of a plain Ziploc. You eat it from a box with a smiling cartoon dinosaur telling you it builds strong bones.
And guess what? That marketing works.
People are more likely to follow a diet if it’s convenient and familiar. The MPF diet lost adherence by week 8—because it’s harder. You have to cook. You have to peel things. You have to remember to chew.
Which is exactly why governments have been too chicken to touch this issue. It’s easier to talk about sugar taxes and tell people to eat more kale than to admit: maybe the whole system is rigged to keep you tired, hungry, bloated, and slightly depressed.
This Study Just Popped the Nutritional Industrial Complex
If you’re still clinging to the idea that “nutritionally equivalent” processed foods are just as good for you, please reread the last 6,000 characters.
Even when following all the guidelines—Eatwell Guide, balanced macros, portion control, fiber, yada yada yada—processed food underdelivered.
The takeaway? The way your food is made matters. Not just what’s in it.
Food is more than the sum of its nutrients. The structure, texture, and processing change how it behaves in your mouth, your brain, your bloodstream, and your poop. Yes, even your poop has an opinion on this.
Let’s Be Blunt: Stop Letting Frosted Bran Squares Pretend They’re Broccoli
This study confirms what your body already knew but your brain has been gaslit into ignoring: processed food, even with good branding, makes you feel worse and lose less weight.
You don’t need to become a homesteading forager who churns their own butter, but maybe it’s time to:
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Stop pretending protein bars are breakfast
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Stop calling microwave quinoa bowls “cuisine”
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Stop letting “plant-based” be code for “contains 67 ingredients and zero plants”
Final Thoughts (a.k.a., The Part Where We Yell at the System)
This trial is proof that our food environment is built to fail you. Obesity policy in the UK (and let’s be real, everywhere) has been a decades-long PR campaign of “try harder” while the food system loads the dice.
It's not about willpower.
It's about whether the food you’re eating was made by someone who wanted to nourish you... or someone who wanted you to binge until your credit card declined.
If national dietary guidelines don’t account for food processing, they’re as outdated as margarine in coffee. It’s time for policies that address not just what we eat, but how the food is made—and who’s making money off it.
TL;DR:
Processed food, even the "healthy" kind, is a scam in Wholegrain Drag. If you want to lose fat, control cravings, and poop like a champ, your best bet is to eat like your grandmother and ignore anything that comes in a pouch with more than five ingredients.
Let’s stop blaming people for “bad choices” when the menu is rigged. Let’s start naming the real culprit: the billion-dollar business of turning food into food-like substances.
And next time someone offers you a plant-based, low-fat, sugar-free, fiber-enriched “snack,” smile politely, and say:
“No thanks. I already ate some real food.”