There are many ways to spend an afternoon.
You could hike along the Rockies, breathe crisp mountain air, and ponder the majesty of the natural world.
You could enjoy a craft beer brewed by someone named Aspen who insists the hops were “emotionally nurtured.”
Or, if you truly crave danger, you could wander into the University of Northern Colorado’s Human Resources Career portal — an expedition best described as Lewis and Clark meets Web 1.0.
Because nothing screams “adventure” like clicking through 47 nested menus to find out the school is not hiring anyone this month.
Sit back. Pack snacks. Maybe leave a note behind in case you don’t return.
I. The Landing Page: A Warm Welcome… of Text
The page opens with the kind of vibe only a university website can offer:
Jump to main content.
And no matter how often you click it, the main content seems to scoot away, like it’s shy or suffering from social anxiety. After that, you’re greeted by a table of contents so vast it could double as a state highway map:
-
Admissions
-
Graduate
-
Costs
-
Orientation
-
Bookstore
-
The Library
-
Athletics
-
Human Resources
-
Benefits
-
Payroll
-
…
-
…
-
…and somehow still not at “Careers.”
It’s like the website itself is saying:
“Sure, you think you want to apply for a job here… but have you considered exploring our fully digitized campus map first?”
Even Dante would scroll this page and whisper,
“Ah. A new circle.”
II. UNC’s Grand History: “We Were Founded in 1889 and Our Website Still Feels Like It”
The careers section kicks off with the classic university boilerplate:
Founded in 1889 as the state teachers’ college… today we offer 100+ programs… nationally recognized… cornerstone curriculum…
Which is lovely, truly — education is sacred — but absolutely no applicant has ever read that paragraph and thought:
“You know what? Forget salary. I’m sold.”
But it’s fine. They’re proud of their history. You should be too.
It’s the only part of the page shorter than the list of menu categories.
III. The Moment of Hope: “Open Vacancies”
This is where the adrenaline spikes.
This is where your heart rate quickens.
This is where you imagine yourself walking across the UNC campus on a crisp Colorado morning, coffee steaming, keycard dangling from your lanyard.
You click Open Vacancies.
And dear reader…
“None at this time.”
The emotional crash is biblical.
It’s like being promised a puppy and instead receiving a pamphlet titled Responsible Expectations in Modern Pet Ownership.
Even worse: under “Highlighted Positions”…
Also none.
It’s a double tap of disappointment.
This university did not simply reject you.
It pre-rejected you.
IV. The Career Hub: A Tourist Brochure for Employment
If you click Career Hub, you’re treated to a shining promotional statement about why UNC is a great place to work. It’s persuasive in the way all HR marketing is persuasive: brightly, generically, and with the emotional weight of a granola bar wrapper.
You are told about:
-
Benefits
-
Campus culture
-
Work-life balance
-
Bear spirit
They always mention the mascot.
If colleges could legally pay you in mascot-themed tote bags, they would.
But the real highlight of the Career Hub is the phrase:
“Please visit our CAREER HUB to learn what benefits UNC offers…”
You read this line on the Career Hub page itself.
It’s a Möbius strip of web navigation.
A digital ouroboros.
A career page eating its own tail.
V. “We Cannot Sponsor Visas.” Ah Yes, the Classic Plot Twist.
Nestled among the job categories is this gem:
Candidates must have valid U.S. work authorization; UNC cannot provide H-1B sponsorship at this time.
This is the HR equivalent of hearing:
“You’re welcome to apply… just not you specifically.”
But at least they’re upfront.
Some places hide that information like it’s classified.
VI. The Job Categories: Choose Your Own Adventure
UNC generously breaks jobs into neat categories:
-
Administrative
-
Faculty
-
Classified
-
Temporary
You click them eagerly.
What you find:
Sometimes several listings.
Sometimes none.
Sometimes positions that say “Reviewing applicants” even though the last update was during the Obama administration.
And then there’s the bittersweet charm of academic job titles:
Assistant to the Assistant Associate Interim Vice Coordinator of University Synergy
Half the jobs sound like they were generated by a committee that met for seven hours and still couldn’t agree.
Yet every job includes words like strategic, collaborative, innovative, or dynamic, as if they know you’re already imagining yourself dying slowly under fluorescent lighting.
VII. Post-Selection Notices: A Transparent, Beautiful, Slightly Brutal Idea
Colorado’s Equal Pay for Equal Work law requires institutions to post the names of selected candidates.
And UNC does it.
Publicly.
Like a scoreboard.
You scroll through the list of people who already got the job you were thinking of applying for, and it reads like:
-
Patterson, Bailey — Director of Brand Strategy
-
Sena, Angelica — Director of Annual Giving
-
Vilhauer, Rylee — Disability Resource Specialist
It’s like the university saying:
“These people made it. Be more like them.”
You’re not sure whether to be inspired or to emotionally shut down and eat cereal.
VIII. Discover Greeley: The Sales Pitch
After the career listings comes a section titled:
Discover Greeley
This is where UNC really leans in.
You are told:
-
Greeley sits between the Rockies and the high plains
-
It has a population over 100,000
-
It’s “eclectic”
-
The pace is “comfortable”
-
Weld County is one of the fastest growing areas of Colorado
-
There are restaurants and shops
-
Adventures await
If you’ve ever read a dating profile that was technically true but strategically phrased… you will feel very at home here.
This is classic relocation marketing:
“Sure, we’re no Denver… but we’re near Denver… and that counts.”
Nothing says “eclectic personality” like a city whose main attractions include both a giant meatpacking tradition and a craft coffee renaissance.
IX. The Contact Info Section: A Buffet of Phone Numbers
UNC generously provides multiple phone numbers in case you want to talk to HR.
-
970-351-2718 (HR Office)
-
970-351-1890 (UNC Main)
These numbers exist for people who believe calling HR will “clear things up.”
Bless their optimism.
X. The Footer of Destiny: A Final Row of Links and Policies
You finally reach the bottom, feeling like you’ve walked the Camino de Santiago but with fewer blisters and more PDFs.
There, you find:
-
Accessibility Statement
-
Title IX
-
Affirmative Action
-
Holiday Calendar
-
Sustainability
-
Organizational Charts
And at the very bottom:
Page Last Updated: Nov 3, 2025.
Updated.
But not necessarily alive.
XI. So Let’s Talk About the Larger Theme Here
University career sites are their own genre of literature.
They occupy the same emotional category as:
-
Terms of Service
-
Bus schedules
-
Software patch notes
-
Tax form instructions
They are not meant to be fun.
But they could at least be navigable.
Instead, they often feel like digital attics — full of well-intentioned content layered over itself decade after decade.
UNC’s page is no exception.
It is both helpful and exhausting.
Informative and labyrinthine.
Comprehensive and somehow also incomplete.
A paradox befitting higher education itself.
XII. What UNC’s Page Accidentally Reveals About University Bureaucracy
Let’s zoom out.
This page tells you several important truths about working for a modern university:
1. Universities love categories. More categories than necessary.
Faculty vs. administrative vs. classified vs. professional vs. temporary.
It’s like they’re sorting humans the way botanists sort plants.
2. The institution thinks you want to read every policy before you even apply.
No applicant has ever in history said:
“Before I click ‘Apply,’ I should first check the organizational chart.”
But the university offers it anyway.
3. The hiring process is a blend of transparency and mystery.
They show you who got the job.
But not why.
Not when.
Not how many other applicants cried in the process.
4. The HR page is partially a recruitment tool… and partially a tourism brochure.
Jobs are only half the pitch.
The other half is:
“Look, we’re near mountains. Please consider us.”
XIII. A Play-by-Play of the Applicant Journey
To fully appreciate this page, imagine the inner life of a hypothetical applicant.
Step 1: They arrive, hopeful.
“I bet UNC has tons of jobs. They’re a whole university!”
Step 2: They start scrolling.
“So many menus… are these all relevant to careers? Why am I looking at fraternity information?”
Step 3: They get distracted by the virtual tour.
“Oh look, a 360° photo of a hallway. Nice.”
Step 4: They finally find “Careers.”
“Victory! Employment awaits!”
Step 5: They click “Open Vacancies.”
And they are greeted with:
None at this time.
Step 6: Emotional collapse.
They stare at the Rocky Mountains photo on the Discover Greeley page and wonder if it’s too late to become a park ranger instead.
Step 7: They read the job listings in neighboring towns.
“Maybe Windsor needs a Recreation Coordinator. I could coordinate recreation.”
Step 8: They check back again two days later.
There are now two new postings.
One is internal only.
One requires a PhD, 14 years of experience, and mastery of an outdated database system.
Step 9: They sigh.
Deeply.
XIV. On the Bright Side: There IS Honesty Here
For all its maze-like structure, UNC’s HR page does contain admirable qualities:
-
They list who got hired (few institutions do).
-
They clearly state visa limitations (many do not).
-
They don’t oversell the region (the page is honest about what Greeley is: comfortable, growing, eclectic, accessible).
-
They keep policies visible.
-
They don’t hide behind vague “talent pools” that never call anyone back.
There is a refreshing straightforwardness beneath the labyrinth.
XV. The Comedy of University Bureaucracy (UNC Edition)
Let’s appreciate the humor inherent in the system.
1. The paradox of too much information leading to no information.
You can spend 20 minutes reading and still not be sure where to click next.
2. The “we’re not hiring but look at our benefits” dynamic.
It’s the HR version of window-shopping for a vacation you can’t afford.
3. The perpetual optimism of job seekers.
Despite everything, people keep refreshing the page.
Hope springs eternal.
4. The earnestness of academic job descriptions.
Every role sounds like it carries the fate of civilization.
5. The intrusive cheerfulness of relocation descriptions.
“Greeley is eclectic!”
Which is real estate code for: You’ll figure it out.
XVI. In Praise of the HR Staff Who Maintain This Titan
Let’s take a moment.
Someone in UNC’s HR office — maybe Jennifer Ayers herself, keeper of the page — has to update:
-
job postings
-
internal postings
-
selected candidates
-
benefits links
-
policy PDFs
-
phone numbers
-
calendars
-
strategic plan references
-
accessibility statements
-
and a running list of the people who got hired
This is digital hydra-slaying.
For every link updated, three new questions arise.
They deserve a medal.
Or at least a very strong coffee.
XVII. What This Page Says About Higher Education Today
If we read between the lines, we see a story about modern universities:
-
They are big.
-
They are complex.
-
They try to be transparent.
-
They have more committees than snack options.
-
They are constantly hiring, but never fast.
-
They want to be welcoming but also compliant with every state law written since 1876.
-
They operate with noble mission statements and deeply tangled workflows.
UNC is not unique.
UNC is simply honest.
XVIII. The Grand Conclusion: Should You Work at UNC?
Absolutely.
Probably.
Potentially.
Depending on your field.
And whether the job you want exists.
And whether it’s open this year.
And whether you can find it.
And whether HR updates the page before you panic.
And whether you’re cool with elk wandering across the highway on your commute.
UNC seems like a genuinely solid place to work — meaningful roles, a community-minded town, legitimate transparency.
You just need to navigate:
-
six menus
-
four submenus
-
five disclaimers
-
two “none at this time” notices
-
and one earnest pitch about how close they are to Denver
But that’s higher education.
You don’t work for the university.
You join the ecosystem.
Final Word
Browsing the UNC Human Resources Careers page is not unlike reading a Russian novel:
-
long
-
layered
-
full of characters you’re not sure you’ll meet again
-
at times heartbreaking
-
at times hilarious
-
and deeply reflective of the human condition
And yet, somehow, you keep turning the pages.
Because even in the maze of menus, PDFs, disclaimers, and modestly glowing descriptions of Greeley, you can’t shake the feeling:
Maybe this is where the next chapter of my life begins.
And that’s the magic of university career pages.
Messy. Labyrinthine. Sincere.
A digital reflection of the larger world they represent.