Ah yes, quantum computing—because we’ve clearly conquered all the other pesky problems on this planet, like poverty, hunger, and the fact that half the internet is just ads for things we already bought. Enter the Wall Street Journal, with their August 2025 piece “Here’s How Quantum Computing Could Change the World.” Spoiler: it’s the same old tech-bro fairy tale, only this time with qubits instead of blockchain.
Let’s unpack this delightful techno-mess, shall we?
Quantum: The New “Just Add Water” Solution
Remember when GPUs were the unsung heroes of gaming nerds, and suddenly everyone decided they were the magic beans that would grow an AI beanstalk to the sky? IBM CEO Arvind Krishna wants you to believe quantum computing is basically 2012 GPUs on steroids. But here’s the kicker: in 2012, GPUs were already useful. Quantum? Well, it’s still kind of like promising teleportation while we’re still tripping over our hoverboards.
Krishna drops the classic line: “In 2012, nobody was counting on GPUs as a big business. But I think it’s going to go faster.” Translation: please keep giving us funding so we can keep the quantum hype machine running. Faster to what, exactly? To a future where my encrypted emails from 2015 about overdue pizza bills are cracked open by rogue hackers?
The Five Magical Ways Quantum Will Change the World (According to the Tech Gospel)
The article delivers a neat little list of five ways quantum will supposedly revolutionize life. Grab some popcorn.
1. Faster Internet: Because Comcast Needs a Redemption Arc
First up, Comcast. Yes, Comcast—the company that turned buffering into a personality trait—claims quantum will help them deliver “the fastest internet to the largest number of customers.” Isn’t that already what they’re supposed to do without a $50 billion quantum computer?
Elad Nafshi, Comcast’s chief network officer, explains how data can travel along various routes (bridge, tunnel, train tracks—basically, the data equivalent of Waze). He promises quantum could calculate the fastest path in real time. Cute. But if history is any indicator, quantum won’t make Comcast less likely to throttle your speed right when you need to stream the Giants game.
2. Better Medicine: Moderna Saves the Day (Again)
Moderna is on board, saying quantum might help create medicines that are cheaper, work better, and have fewer side effects. Sounds amazing—except their explanation reads like a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book where every option leads to the same conclusion: give us more grant money.
They mention that the number of nucleotide combinations for an mRNA molecule is 10^623. That’s not a number, that’s a cosmic joke. Even with quantum, we’re not talking instant cures; we’re talking maybe speeding up the process where pharma companies still charge $3,000 for a drug that costs $2 to make. Hooray for progress!
3. Affordable Insurance: Because Allstate Just Loves You
Allstate CEO Tom Wilson is excited. Quantum will help them insure every property at the right price by running billions of simulations. Great! Because nothing says “customer-first” like an insurance company gleefully pricing your risk factors down to the molecular level.
Here’s the reality: more data equals better pricing—for them. They’ll know exactly how likely your house is to get hit by hail in the year 2042, and they’ll charge you for it upfront. Affordable insurance? Only if you’re the one living in a bubble-wrapped bunker with a quantum computer in the basement.
4. Sustainable Food Production: Feeding the World (With Buzzwords)
PsiQuantum wants to use quantum to create energy-efficient fertilizer by reverse-engineering nature’s enzymes. Noble goal! Also, the same companies cheerleading quantum are the ones who’ve spent decades making food production less sustainable. But sure, quantum is going to solve the nitrogen problem overnight.
CEO Jeremy O’Brien talks about how we can’t simulate even a small part of the enzyme nitrogenase with current computers. Quantum will supposedly crack this code, and suddenly food production is saved. But let’s be honest: even if they do solve it, Big Ag will find a way to patent nitrogen itself and charge farmers per molecule.
5. The Big Risks: Encryption Apocalypse Edition
Of course, no tech fairytale is complete without a doomsday twist. The article warns quantum could break all our current encryption. Bad actors might already be harvesting encrypted data today, waiting to decrypt it tomorrow. Translation: everything you’ve ever sent online may one day be an open book.
Former Director of Naval Intelligence Matthew Kohler sums it up with, “The horse is literally out of the barn.” Comforting. So while the tech elite are busy quantum-ing our future, the rest of us might need to start communicating via carrier pigeons again.
Quantum: Coming Sooner Than You Think (Or Maybe Never)
The article teases that quantum is no longer “10 years away”—it’s much closer. Right. We’ve been hearing this “just around the corner” nonsense for decades. It’s like saying you’re almost done building your dream house when you’ve only poured the foundation and bought a cool-looking door.
Quantum’s promise is real, but so is its potential to become the next Theranos of computing—lots of hype, limited delivery.
The Real Winners?
Let’s be honest, the real winners in this quantum race aren’t you, me, or the starving children quantum is allegedly going to feed. It’s the CEOs and venture capitalists who are cashing in on the buzzwords. They’ll ride the quantum wave to the bank while the rest of us sit around waiting for our Netflix stream to stop buffering.
Final Thoughts: The Quantum Con
The Wall Street Journal wants you to believe quantum computing is the messiah—bringing faster internet, better drugs, cheaper insurance, sustainable food, and maybe world peace if we ask nicely. But the risks? They casually gloss over the fact that quantum could also hand hackers the keys to every locked door on the planet.
Will quantum change the world? Maybe. But if history has taught us anything, it’s that “world-changing tech” usually changes the world for the 1% first—and leaves the rest of us with the crumbs. So, while the tech bros are busy high-fiving over their qubits, maybe we should keep a healthy dose of skepticism handy.
After all, the horse isn’t just out of the barn—it’s halfway to a blockchain conference in Dubai.