Ah, springtime in Baltimore. The pollen’s thick enough to suffocate a small dog, the O’s are giving us just enough hope to emotionally ruin us later, and—praise be to Dionysus—the Wine Village is back in West Shore Park, giving Marylanders another reason to drink in public without shame. Now in its third year, this pop-up German-style bacchanalia is like Oktoberfest’s floral cousin who sells essential oils but still knows how to shotgun a beer.
Extended through June 1 (because you lushes clearly needed more time), the Wine Village now boasts more drink options than your cousin’s destination wedding in Cabo. From Maryland-made vinos to slushies that could send you into a diabetic coma, this year’s beverage game is strong. Or at least tipsy. Let’s unpack what’s worth sipping—and what’s just a glittery cry for help.
Maryland Wines Manor: Where Local Pride Meets Poor Life Choices
Let’s start with the state’s own fermented grapes because #SupportLocal, even when local tastes like regret. The Maryland Wines Manor is pouring some heavy hitters, including Old Westminster’s “Tendril 1st Edition,” which sounds more like a dark wizard’s autobiography than something you pair with brie.
They’ve also got St. Michael’s “Gollywobbler Black,” which sounds like a rejected Smurf villain, and Linganore’s “Watercolor Skipjack Sweet White,” which may contain more adjectives than actual grapes. And if you’ve ever wanted your wine to flirt with your pancreas, the Jazzberry from Boordy is basically a melted Jolly Rancher in a glass.
But look, let’s not be snobs. Maryland wine has come a long way since it was just your weird uncle’s bathtub experiment. Sip the Boordy Blush and pretend you’re in Provence. Or, at the very least, not in line behind someone asking if the Chardonnay is “gluten-free.”
Snark Scale: 🍷🍷🍷🍷 (4/5)
Recommended Pairing: Delusion and a crab pretzel the size of your face.
M8 Beer: Because Aussies Do Everything Better, Even In Baltimore
Now for something completely unrelated to wine: beer. M8 (that’s pronounced “mate,” not “m-eight,” you uncultured swine) is bringing four brews from its South Baltimore taproom, and frankly, they understood the assignment.
The “Dockers Lager” is light, crisp, and pairs well with staring into the harbor contemplating your life choices. The “Slim Dusty Hazy IPA” tastes like someone dry-hopped a fruit salad and slapped on a beard. And “Hammerhead Hefeweizen” brings us back to our German roots—or at least that one drunken night in Munich you can’t talk about because it’s still under NDA.
Also, props to M8 for their location near the stage, which allows you to nod along to a mediocre acoustic cover of “Wonderwall” while sipping something that doesn’t taste like punishment.
Snark Scale: 🍺🍺🍺🍺 (4/5)
Recommended Pairing: Passive-aggressive cornhole and pretending to like craft beer IPAs for your date.
Harborview Cocktails: The Mixology of Mild Regret
Ah yes, cocktails—the adult version of a Slurpee with trust issues. At Harborview, you’ll find all the summer clichés: mules, margaritas, Aperol spritzes, and a Shirley Temple that’s apparently been possessed by a unicorn influencer.
Let’s take a moment to talk about that cotton candy glitter bomb Shirley Temple. This drink is what happens when TikTok throws up in your Solo cup. It’s non-alcoholic, but emotionally chaotic enough to get you banned from your HOA meeting.
But the real headline here? The Lemon Stick cocktail. This blend of vodka, mint, and syrup is a loving homage to Baltimore’s most confusing oral tradition: sticking a peppermint stick into a lemon and calling it a childhood memory instead of a crime against fruit.
Snark Scale: 🍹🍹🍹 (3/5)
Recommended Pairing: Mild self-loathing and a sunset selfie you’ll later regret.
Inner Harbor Freeze: Childhood Trauma, Now With Rum
Introducing the snowball—Baltimore’s iconic dessert masquerading as a beverage. This year, Inner Harbor Freeze is letting you add rum, tequila, or a dollop of frozen custard to your slushy sugar bomb, which is basically like giving your dentist the middle finger in real time.
Flavors include mango, piña colada, blue raspberry, and existential dread. Pro tip: the marshmallow topping is best enjoyed before it liquefies into a sticky metaphor for your dating life.
Oh, and there’s a “pup cup” for dogs, because if your Shih Tzu doesn’t get a milk bone and whipped cream, why even leave the house?
Snark Scale: ❄️❄️❄️❄️ (4/5)
Recommended Pairing: A hangover and a therapy session titled “Why I Keep Making Adult Snowballs My Personality.”
Eiskeller: Where Booze Meets Brain Freeze
If you’ve ever wanted to black out from a slushie, welcome to your happy place. Eiskeller, back with two booths this year, is peddling frozen versions of everything your bartender judges you for ordering in winter.
There’s the Black-Eyed Susan slush, which is basically Maryland’s answer to a tropical punch in the face—whiskey, vodka, schnapps, and orange juice. It’s the kind of drink that screams “I peaked in college” and “I’m fine with that” in equal measure.
Then there’s the Orange Crush slush, which sneaks in a bit of white wine for that extra level of decision fatigue. Want frosé? Want frozen sangria? Want your liver to write a memoir? They’ve got you.
Snark Scale: 🍧🍧🍧🍧🍧 (5/5)
Recommended Pairing: Brain freeze and whatever’s left of your dignity.
Pineapple Paradise: Come For the Fruit, Stay For the Social Media Clout
This stand exists solely so you can post a pineapple selfie that screams “I’m fun!” while your soul quietly whispers, “I need a nap.” The piña coladas and lemonades come in hollowed-out pineapples, because nothing says “classy beverage experience” like sipping through a biodegradable fruit carcass.
Both boozy and non-alcoholic versions are available, which means your kids can get in on the Instagram action too, right before a sugar crash turns them into tiny hurricane-force tantrums.
Bonus points if you coordinate your outfit with your pineapple. Double bonus if you do it while refusing to acknowledge your deep, aching thirst for external validation.
Snark Scale: 🍍🍍🍍 (3/5)
Recommended Pairing: TikTok dances and the crushing realization that your drink costs more than your Uber ride.
Paulaner Sunset Orange Cola: The Soda That Time Forgot (Until Now)
Straight outta 1974—and apparently someone’s basement fridge—comes Paulaner Sunset, a fizzy orange-infused cola that tastes like someone spiked Fanta with nostalgia and a midlife crisis.
It’s being billed as a “lighter, zippier” version of Coke, but let’s be real: it’s a gateway mixer for people who don’t want to admit they’re drinking tequila before 3 p.m. Dirty soda fans, rejoice. You can get it spiked with a shot, double shot, or just chug it straight from the can like it’s the Cold War again.
Paulaner Sunset is available at almost every booth, which makes sense because once you’ve tried one, you’ll probably need another to confirm that yes, that aftertaste really did just punch you in the childhood.
Snark Scale: 🥤🥤🥤 (3/5)
Recommended Pairing: A confused palate and a long-winded story from your dad about “how soda used to be better.”
Final Thoughts: Sip Responsibly (But Also Hilariously)
The Wine Village in Baltimore has officially evolved into the kind of spring event that makes you question if you came for the wine or just the vibes—and maybe that’s okay. With drink booths as extra as a promposal on TikTok, there's something for everyone: the wine snob, the cocktail queen, the IPA bro, the mom who just needed a break, and the couple trying to reignite their spark over frozen sangria and poor decisions.
So, whether you’re there to sample sophisticated wines or double-fist frozen cocktails while screaming at cornhole, remember: this is a judgment-free zone. Unless you try to order a piña colada and call it a “craft cocktail.” Then we’re judging.
Now grab your reusable wine glass, mentally prepare to stand in three lines for one drink, and toast to Baltimore’s most chaotic, wine-drenched outdoor event of the season.
Cheers, darling. Sip happens.
