Another month, another alphabet soup of miracle creams, celebrity sprays, and $145 silk hair hats. Bazaar’s beauty team has once again roamed the land like glittery Indiana Joneses, returning with twenty-one alleged treasures. And here I am—armed with caffeine and sarcasm—to lead you on a guided tour through this glossy bazaar of… well, Bazaar.
Let’s unpack each product, eye roll by eye roll.
1. The Neutral Shadow Palette: Beige, but Make It $15
Hourglass Curator Eyeshadow Palettes promise effortless elegance for people with three minutes and a toddler. Translation: You, too, can smear taupe on your eyelids while your offspring demands dinosaur-shaped waffles.
Is the palette good? Probably. But the snarky math is clear: $15 for four squares of “no one will notice” is the price of a movie ticket—except this beige spectacle plays out only on your face. Neutral? Yes. Memorable? About as much as yesterday’s oatmeal.
2. Eyeliner for “Mature” Skin: Wrinkle Camouflage in a Stick
Sarah Creal’s Eyes Up Creamy Kajal touts itself as the first liner for women over 40.
Which begs the question: what were we using all these years—Sharpies?
Still, a waterproof black that doesn’t sink into fine lines is basically a public service. Because nothing screams distinguished like eyeliner that stays put while you rage-cry at the PTA meeting.
3. The Fluffy Body Wash: Dessert Meets Toddler Theft
Les Eaux Primordiales Cleansing Chantilly Body Wash foams like meringue and smells like a jasmine-pear daydream. The problem? The beauty director’s toddler is now addicted, turning bath time into a mousse-splattering episode of Chopped Junior.
It’s $45—aka the price of a decent dinner—for what’s basically fancy Cool Whip for your shower. Adorable, yes. Rational, no.
4. Buffing Bar Soap: Orange-Scented Exfoliation, Now with Guilt
Soft Services Affogato L’Orange Buffing Bar is the latest way to sandpaper your epidermis while smelling like dessert. Add a designer soap tray for the aesthetic, because God forbid your dead-skin-remover doesn’t double as bathroom art.
At $30 a bar, you might start calculating cost-per-flake. Spoiler: it’s steep.
5. Shower Brush: Travel Buddy for Your Knots
Pattern’s Mini Shower Brush is so adored it gets a spot in both home and go-bag. If only it could also brush away life’s other tangles—like that group chat you can’t escape.
At least this one is a bargain at $10, making it the rare item here that won’t require a small loan.
6. Silk Hair Bonnet: The $145 Pillowcase You Wear on Your Head
Clementine Sleepwear’s XL Hair Bonnet promises fewer split ends and maybe fewer wrinkles. It also promises your partner will wake up next to a glamorous… mushroom.
It’s luxe, sure. But for $145 you could buy an actual pillowcase made of gold thread—or at least several very good pizzas.
7. Miracle Toning Jelly Cleanser: K-Beauty Conquers Another Vanity
O Hui’s jelly cleanser balances discoloration and delivers that dewy K-beauty glow. And it is a miracle—if you define miracle as “thirty dollars to erase the memory of sunscreen negligence.”
On the plus side, it’s cheaper than a laser.
8. Hydrating Foundation: Skincare Masquerading as Makeup
Range Beauty’s True Intentions Skin-Soothing Hydrating Foundation sneaks kaolin clay, green tea, and chamomile into the formula. Essentially, it’s a salad for your face—if your salad cost $33 and came in 40 shades of beige.
Points for inclusivity, and for finally making “foundation that doesn’t feel like spackle” a reality.
9. Pillowy Blush: Cloud Paint for the Commitment-Phobic
Glossier Cloud Paint Plush Blush is a cream-powder hybrid that actually lasts. Perfect for those who want a flush that says I hiked a mountain while really meaning I binged three seasons of a true-crime podcast.
For $26, it’s cheaper than therapy and rosier than your last breakup.
10. Glossy Lip Tint: Spice Cake for Your Face
Anfisa’s ÂN-GLOSS Ceramide Lip Tint comes in a shade called “Spice Cake,” instantly making you crave dessert and self-validation. The cooling metal tip is a nice touch—like giving your lips a tiny air-conditioned spa.
$45 is a lot for a lippie, but hey, you can’t smear actual cake on your mouth. (Well, you could. But we wouldn’t recommend it.)
11. Fresh Candle: When Your Self-Care Costs $49 and Smells Like Bergamot
Salt & Stone’s candle is so chic you might forget it’s still… a candle. But lighting it every night does sound like an appealing alternative to doomscrolling.
Think of it as aromatherapy that doubles as décor and burns as fast as your paycheck.
12. Skin-Saving Balm: Slugging, but Make It Rhode
Rhode’s Barrier Butter Intensive Moisture Balm is for those mysterious mouth rashes caused by life. Slugging—aka coating yourself in a shiny seal of goop—gets a PR upgrade.
$36 to keep your face from revolting? Cheaper than a dermatologist visit and less scary than googling “perioral dermatitis at 2 a.m.”
13. Rich Cream: Chanel’s Nightly Insurance Policy
N.1 De Chanel Rich Revitalizing Cream is the skincare equivalent of sleeping on a silk mattress while a French person whispers compliments. At $120, it better come with a side of existential peace.
To its credit, users report waking up “fresh and glowy,” which is more than can be said for most of us after Netflix autoplay.
14. Self-Tanning Drops: Banana-Scented Fake Sun
Jergens Natural Glow Instant Sun Drops finally make DIY tanning less terrifying. Mix a few drops with your moisturizer and voilà, you’re a beach goddess without UV regrets.
Bonus: the faint banana smell doubles as a breakfast reminder.
15. Delicious Bar Soap: Eight Essential Oils, Zero Shame
Flamingo Estate’s Night Blooming Jasmine & Damask Rose Soap Brick is basically a spa appointment disguised as a bar of soap. At $52, it should also pay your water bill, but alas.
Still, the “instant mood boost” is cheaper than a weekend getaway—and probably smells better than the hotel lobby.
16. Master Mask: $115 for Twenty Minutes of Glow
Danucera’s Master Mask is skincare speed-dating: three minutes if you’re late, twenty if you’re ambitious. Think of it as a power nap for your pores.
$115 is steep, but in the land of luxury masks, that’s practically mid-shelf.
17. Tinted Lip Balm: Dior Does Everyday Fancy
Dior Addict Lip Glow Butter is for those who apply lip balm like nervous tics. At $42, every swipe is a micro-dose of glamour.
Warning: habitual use may lead to irrational Dior-bag cravings.
18. Eye Cream for Puffiness: Goodbye, Cry-at-Midnight Bags
Borghese’s Fluido Protettivo Advanced Spa Lift for Eyes sounds like a spell from a Harry Potter spin-off, but it really does depuff. Two pumps per eye and you’re back to “I definitely slept eight hours” even if you were binge-watching stand-up specials until 3 a.m.
$55 to fake wellness? Bargain.
19. Blurring Setting Spray: Instagram Filter in a Bottle
Danessa Myricks’ Yummy Skin Blurring Balm Spray promises shine-free hours and niacinamide-plumped skin. Essentially, it’s the Paris filter, no Wi-Fi required.
At $36, it’s cheaper than therapy and doesn’t demand a tip.
20. Glass Hair Spray: Butter Hair Is the New Butter Skin
Chris McMillan’s Glassy Smooth Blowdry Spray creates hair so sleek coworkers are invited to touch it like some sort of office petting zoo.
At $36, it’s the best investment you’ll ever make in turning your frizz into a reflective surface suitable for signaling passing aircraft.
21. Glow-Boosting Serum: Because the Quest for Radiance Never Ends
Finally, a serum to top the list—because if there’s one thing beauty editors love more than hyaluronic acid, it’s the phrase “glow-boosting.”
Whether it’s your millionth bottle or your first, know this: it will not fix your sleep schedule, but it will make you look slightly more alive while doomscrolling at 1 a.m.
Big Picture: Beauty Math, Snark Edition
Total potential damage: over $1,000 if you buy everything.
Total guaranteed outcome: one very hydrated, delicious-smelling credit card bill.
But that’s the magic of beauty journalism. It’s not just about products; it’s about hope in a jar, the fantasy that a neutral shadow palette will tame your morning chaos or that a banana-scented self-tanner will replace an actual vacation.
And honestly? Sometimes that fantasy is worth the markup.
The Real Glow-Up
In truth, the best takeaway from Bazaar’s list isn’t a specific cream or spray. It’s the reminder that beauty—like good snark—is about tiny daily rebellions. Maybe it’s protecting your hair with a bonnet the price of a Michelin lunch. Maybe it’s lighting a $49 candle to reclaim ten quiet minutes from the chaos.
Or maybe it’s just reading this whole 3,000-word roast and deciding the most beautiful thing you can do is… keep your money and take a nap.
Either way, shine on—preferably with a little side-eye.