“Because freedom isn’t free—and neither are photocopies.”
Congratulations, patriot of patience and champion of carbon copies.
You have just discovered the proudest, loudest, most red-white-and-bureaucratic corner of the known universe: The Department of Endless Paperwork—affectionately known to insiders as DEP, to its IT help desk as That Portal Again, and to visiting diplomats as “Please take a number.”
In a world where heroes chase glory in capes and jet fighters, we at DEP secure the republic by filing Form 47-B in triplicate before lunch. Our mission is clear, our printer ink is perpetually low, and our resolve to maintain a perfectly alphabetized archive is nothing short of heroic.
Our Sacred Mission
The DEP exists to safeguard the nation’s most delicate treasure: properly completed paperwork. Whether it’s a dog-park permit or the annual coffee-filter requisition, every sheet of paper is a micro-battlefield in the larger war for national organization.
Forget espionage and dramatic midnight raids.
We fight misplaced commas, unsanctioned staples, and the existential chaos of unnumbered forms. When we say Return to Mission, we mean return to the copier before it jams again.
Why We Need You
America needs bold souls ready to wield a pen with the precision of a Navy SEAL and the stamina of a long-distance marathoner stuck in an elevator with a jammed copy machine.
Maybe you’ve retired from law enforcement. Maybe you’ve retired from retirement.
Either way, your nation calls you to stand between society and the abyss of incomplete metadata.
Our motto?
“Some heroes save the world. We save the margins.”
Career Tracks at DEP
The Department of Endless Paperwork is a sprawling labyrinth of opportunity. Choose your destiny wisely—or just spin around three times and pick a corridor; you’ll find an application kiosk eventually.
1. Office of Redundant Redundancy (ORR)
Job titles:
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Assistant Deputy Associate to the Deputy Assistant of Duplication
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Form 99.99 Verification Specialist
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Manager of Re-Re-Approvals
Here you’ll ensure every form is checked, double-checked, and checked again by someone who just checked it yesterday.
ORR staff are legendary for spotting missing initials from 40 paces and can smell an unnumbered attachment in the dark.
Podcast Highlight:
Episode 7 – The Zen of Triple-Checking: Finding Inner Peace Through External Audits.
2. Division of Infinite Acronyms (DIA)
Do you believe no sentence is complete without a confounding cluster of capital letters? DIA is for you.
Applicants must demonstrate proficiency in creating at least five new acronyms per coffee break.
Current priority projects:
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OPRPP (Official Policy Regarding Policy on Policies)
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FAQS² (Frequently Asked Questions about Frequently Asked Questions, Squared)
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LMAO (Legal Mandate for Acronym Overproduction—no relation to texting slang, we swear).
3. Bureau of Paperclip Security (BPS)
Contrary to public belief, paperclips do not secure themselves.
BPS agents conduct top-secret operations to prevent cross-drawer paperclip migration and rogue binder-clip insurgencies.
Training includes stealthy drawer opening, rapid-deployment stapler drills, and the sacred art of untangling a dozen interlocked paperclips without swearing (much).
4. Heroic Coffee Spill Response Corps (HCSRC)
Caffeine is the lifeblood of the DEP.
The HCSRC stands ready 24/7 to contain high-risk caramel macchiato disasters.
From reconnaissance (locating hidden sugar packets) to rapid mop-strike missions, these elite responders prove daily that not all heroes wear capes—some wear rubber gloves and carry industrial absorbent powder.
Training: From Civilian to Certified Form Warrior
No hero is born knowing the difference between Form A-47 and Form A-47-B (the one with the extra signature line for a witness who must be both left-handed and ambidextrous). That’s why every recruit attends the DEP Academy of Heroic Administrative Arts, a grueling 12-week program that blends Spartan discipline with office-supply feng shui.
Week-by-Week Glimpse
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Week 1 – Boot-up Camp:
Master the sacred login sequence for the internal portal, rumored to have been designed by an ancient order of spreadsheet monks. Password must contain one haiku and a blood oath. -
Week 4 – Paper Jam Survival:
Navigate the copier’s treacherous inner labyrinth armed only with a flashlight and a prayer to Saint Toner. -
Week 8 – Cross-Departmental Diplomacy:
Broker peace treaties between rival factions of the Office of Redundant Redundancy and the Division of Infinite Acronyms. (Tip: doughnuts are legal tender.) -
Graduation Day – The Final Staple:
Recruits face the ceremonial stapler gauntlet: three rapid-fire form bindings without a single bent staple. Failure is not an option; it’s an automatic re-enrollment.
Daily Life in the Trenches
A typical day at DEP begins with the official anthem—a 47-second loop of copier beeps—followed by a motivational pledge: “I swear to uphold the formatting, defend the margins, and protect the sacred paper stock against all coffee rings.”
Then the real adventure begins.
Morning:
Battle the ancient network printer, which speaks only in error codes and riddles.
Victory is marked by a triumphant “PRINT COMPLETE” chime that echoes through the cubicles like a war horn.
Lunch:
A heroic buffet of vending-machine cuisine, accompanied by heated debate over whether Form 12-X should be single- or double-sided.
Afternoon:
Meetings about scheduling the next meeting, where every decision is carefully recorded on Form Decision-About-Decisions (DAD-42).
And when the clock strikes five?
It’s off to Mandatory Optional Overtime, where the true patriots shine.
Departments You Never Knew You Needed
Because bureaucracy is fractal, DEP is home to subdivisions so specific they border on poetry.
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Office of Imaginary Emergencies (OIE):
Practices weekly drills for crises that haven’t happened and never will, like “Sudden Font Shortage.” -
Department of Sequential Queue Management (DSQM):
Maintains the sacred order of who gets to wait where, ensuring no citizen cuts in front of another citizen waiting to cut in line. -
Directorate of Memo Authentication (DMA):
Confirms that every memo about memo formatting is itself properly formatted.
Each office believes it is the most important cog in the universe. And they’re all correct.
Work–Life Balance, the DEP Way
We know that even the fiercest paperwork gladiators need rest (and, occasionally, a working pen). Our benefits are legendary:
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Paid Paper-Jam Recovery Leave:
Two personal days a year to sit quietly and wonder why the machine hates you. -
Bring Your Printer to Work Day:
Finally prove to colleagues that it did jam at home. -
Worksite Lactation & Latte Stations:
Because compassion and caffeine both begin with C. -
Five-Page Résumé Limit, Unlimited Glory:
In homage to the sacred five-page rule, employees may apply for promotions only in quintuple-page increments. Anything longer is ritually ignored.
Voices from the Front Lines
Gloria, Senior Deputy Assistant of Duplication:
“Before DEP, I triple-checked my kids’ lunch notes. Now I quadruple-check grocery receipts for sport.”
Brent, Heroic Coffee Spill First Responder:
“When I hear a paper cup hit the floor, my heart rate spikes. It’s not fear—it’s destiny.”
Ravi, Acronym Prodigy:
“I invented sixteen acronyms before breakfast. My doctor says it’s perfectly normal.”
Even More Divisions to Amaze and Confuse
Because one can never have too many sub-sub-departments, behold a few additional marvels in our administrative galaxy:
Department of Timely Delays (DTD)
Our paradox squad. Their mission?
To ensure every urgent project is delayed exactly on time.
They’ve turned postponement into an art form, issuing certificates of “Strategic Procrastination” to employees who successfully reschedule the same meeting six times.
Bureau of Infinite Feedback Loops (BIFL)
Specializes in “circling back” until the concept of forward motion collapses.
Their motto: “If it isn’t endlessly discussed, it isn’t really decided.”
Office of Historical Paper Preservation (OHPP)
Charged with safeguarding every draft that has ever graced a DEP desk—
including that mysterious half-printed sheet from 2009 that says only “Page 1 of ???.”
The OHPP considers this artifact a national treasure.
Committee for the Creation of Committees (CCC)
Meets daily to discuss creating new committees to discuss forming other committees.
Their annual report is a single sheet of paper that reads, simply: “We’ll get back to you.”
Ceremonies and Heroic Rituals
A life at DEP is not all toner and treacle.
It’s rich with ceremonial pomp that would make a medieval court blush.
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The Rite of the Golden Stapler:
Awarded once a year to the employee who fastens the most documents without a single bent prong.
Legends speak of a clerk who achieved this feat blindfolded in 2011. -
Formageddon Week:
A seven-day festival where employees race to locate the oldest unfiled document.
Last year’s winner uncovered a requisition for “three fax machine belts” dated 1978. -
The Sacred Shred:
A hushed, candle-lit shredding of obsolete memos while a choir hums the DEP anthem in minor key.
Technological “Advancements”
While other agencies boast AI and cutting-edge cyber defense, DEP has perfected the noble art of slightly updated fax machines.
Our IT division proudly announces every six months that the intranet will “soon support modern browsers.”
True progress is measured not in gigabytes but in the number of strongly worded memos about gigabytes.
Coming soon:
Smart Paper 2.0—a sheet of paper with a QR code linking to… a PDF of the same sheet of paper.
Perks You Won’t Find Anywhere Else
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Chair Upgrade Lottery:
Enter to win a seat that still has all four wheels. -
Lifetime Supply of Sticky Notes:
Because nothing says “mission critical” like a rainbow of forgotten reminders. -
Freedom from Corporate Buzzwords:
We don’t pivot; we adjourn.
We don’t disrupt; we delay strategically. -
Guaranteed Job Security:
As long as paper exists (and meetings about paper exist), so will you.
The People Behind the Paper
DEP employees aren’t just office workers—they’re guardians of procedural purity.
They wake before dawn, coffee in hand, hearts steeled for another day of stamping, signing, and saving civilization one margin at a time.
Their stories inspire:
“When the printer jammed during the great toner shortage of 2023, I didn’t panic. I believed in the manual. And the manual believed in me.”
— Lydia, Copier Whisperer
“Some fight crime. I fight misaligned hole punches.”
— Carlos, Chief Binder-Punch Strategist
Join the Mission
The world outside grows ever more chaotic—AI revolutions, economic upheavals, rogue pop-up ads.
But here inside the Department of Endless Paperwork, we remain a fortress of formality.
So we ask you, future hero of hole-punch precision:
Will you answer the call of the copier?
Will you defend the five-page résumé frontier?
Will you stand between our nation and the chaos of undocumented coffee orders?
If your answer is yes, prepare to embark on the most gloriously uneventful adventure of your life.
How to Apply
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Download Form DEP-APP-001 (Application for Application Forms).
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Submit a five-page résumé—not one sentence more.
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Await background check approval, a meditative process lasting anywhere between three weeks and three fiscal years.
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Attend your oath ceremony, where you’ll swear on the holy toner cartridge to “support and defend the margins of the United States.”
The Grand Oath of the Department of Endless Paperwork
I pledge allegiance to the Forms of the United States of Bureaucracy,
and to the redundancies for which they stand,
one agency, under fluorescent light, indivisible,
with liberty and line spacing for all.
Closing Rally Cry
As you leave this page, remember:
the strength of a nation lies not just in its armies or its innovators but in those who patiently staple the paperwork that lets everyone else get on with their lives.
Join the Department of Endless Paperwork.
Because freedom might not be free—but at least it can be filed.
