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Congratulations, You Slept. Here’s a Gold Star From the Algorithm. Ah, the sweet siren call of AI — that shiny, silicon promise that someday, somehow, an algorithm will finally make sense of your chaotic, donut-fueled existence. I, like many a health-tech sucker, dared to dream that day had arrived. After nearly a decade of logging every step, nap, fart, and heartbeat, I was ready for my wearable overlords to whisper transcendental wisdom into my ear. Instead, they regurgitated my Apple Health dashboard like a nervous 8th grader presenting a book report they barely skimmed on SparkNotes. Rise and Shine, You Glorious Data Packet It starts every morning, with a cheery note that’s equal parts kindergarten teacher and vaguely medical chatbot. “Good morning! You slept 7 hours and 2 minutes last night. Your resting heart rate was 60 bpm. This suggests you may not be fully recovered. Maybe try sleeping more tonight! Health is about balance!” Thank you, HAL-9000, but I was there. In th...

Let’s all give a polite round of applause to America’s largest banks. They just survived another game of Federal Reserve “financial apocalypse pretend,” emerging with bruises no worse than a mild accounting hiccup and a subtle wink at Jamie Dimon’s tan. The June 2025 stress test results are in, and guess what? All 22 mega-banks passed with flying dollar signs, just in time to help the Trump administration justify a looser regulatory leash. Because if there's one thing this economy needs right now, it's more freedom for trillion-dollar institutions to self-regulate. A+ for Apocalypse Preparedness (Sponsored by the Lobbyists’ Union of America) This year's stress test hurled everything short of alien invasion at the banks: an 8% GDP contraction, 10% unemployment, 33% crash in home prices, and a glorious 50% wipeout in the stock market. The outcome? The banks—JPMorgan, Bank of America, Citi, Wells Fargo, Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, and their $100 billion-and-up club buddie...

Once upon a time, in a city drowning in tourists, cruise ships, and existential dread about climate change, the richest bald man in the known universe and his helicopter-flying fiancée decided to celebrate their love—by turning Venice into a catwalk for celebrities with more stylists than Italy has gondoliers. Yes, folks, Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez are married , and it only cost Venice its last shred of authenticity. Let’s dive into this three-day bacchanal of couture, superyachts, and passive-aggressive umbrella branding. DAY ONE: STILETTOS ON COBBLESTONES Our tale begins with Lauren Sanchez wafting out of the Aman Hotel in a Schiaparelli dress so tight it probably had its own NDA , smiling beside Jeff Bezos, who looked like a bouncer at a space-themed casino in Monte Carlo. No offense, Jeff—OK, maybe a little. Their procession through Venice wasn't so much a wedding as it was an interactive runway show with boat transfers . Guests weren’t just attending—they were modelin...

Ah, Venice. The city of canals, gondolas, romance—and now, apparently, the epicenter of Jeff Bezos’ attempt to outdo every Bond villain’s lair party with a wedding so lavish it makes Versailles look like a Motel 6. Yes, ladies, gentlemen, and underpaid Amazon warehouse workers: Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez are tying the gold-plated knot, and they’ve called in the bougiest reinforcements Europe has to offer. Enter Lanza & Baucina Limited , a company so elite that their website whispers instead of loads, and so secretive that they make MI6 look like Instagram influencers. Founded by literal aristocrats—Prince Antonio Licata di Baucina and the Counts Riccardo and Aleramo Lanza—these guys don’t plan parties. They orchestrate experiences . The kind of experiences that involve 250 rich people pretending to care about UNESCO while sipping vintage Barolo on a floating LED dancefloor made of crushed amethysts. Let’s unpack this billion-dollar nuptial fever dream, shall we? The Setting:...

It turns out the European Union didn’t need a climate apocalypse or a Trumpian oil orgy to torch its environmental legacy — just a little political breeze from the right and a newfound fetish for deregulation. While trees go up in flames across Portugal and temperatures in Rome flirt with Hell’s thermostat, the stewards of Europe’s climate ambitions are gleefully tossing the Green Deal onto a deregulation bonfire and roasting marshmallows over the ashes. Yes, dear readers, the EU's environmental backpedal has become less of a gentle step and more of a full-blown sprint. What started as whispered rumors of “simplification” have morphed into full-throated cheers for scrapping protections that took years — sometimes decades — to implement. Green campaigners are in mourning. Observers are shocked. And Ursula von der Leyen? She’s too busy sharpening her scissors to trim more red tape to notice the forest burning behind her. The Great Unraveling: European Green Deal, Meet The Paper Shr...

You know what happens when Hollywood runs out of ideas? They call the Ghostbusters. Again. And again. And again. And now — oh joy of joys — maybe a few more times, and then probably a few times after that. According to a hot-off-the-ectoplasm rumor posted by the Twitter oracle @MyTimeToShineHello (a username that screams "definitely not just a guy in a basement with strong opinions and a Wi-Fi connection"), Sony is working on a brand-new Ghostbusters movie and — wait for it — a whole trilogy of animated films. Plus multiple seasons of a Ghostbusters animated show on Netflix. That’s right. A full-blown franchise resurrection. Again. Yes, the same franchise that’s been revived more times than your weird cousin’s sourdough starter during lockdown is now reportedly being pumped full of spectral steroids. Apparently, the Ghostbusters IP is about to become the Marvel Cinematic Universe of haunted vacuum cleaners and sarcastic jumpsuit banter. And if you thought Ghostbusters:...

When the Israeli Education Ministry told schools to shut their doors due to Iran lobbing ballistic missiles like it’s Purim and every Israeli city is a piñata , most schools did the obvious: they closed. You know—because missiles . But not 80 Haredi schools. No, they had a higher calling: Disobey the state, stay open, and study Torah like Iron Dome who? And honestly, the story that unfolded is such a textbook case of religious arrogance, bureaucratic jellyfish-spinelessness, and “God will save us from physics,” it reads like satire—if satire came with missile craters. Let’s break it down, shall we? Chapter 1: God Forbid We Miss a Day of Talmud The IDF Home Front Command—those annoying secular party-poopers who know stuff about missile trajectories and civilian safety—said, “Please, don’t die. Stay home. Close schools. Don’t get exploded.” Reasonable enough. But then came 80 Haredi boys' schools— Talmud Torahs and yeshivot ketanot —located in such obvious missile magnets as ...

Ah, Russia. The country that proves the economic equivalent of “I’m not dead yet!” can be stretched well past the expiration date. Two years into its illegal invasion of Ukraine, with the global community heaping sanctions on its shoulders like a Soviet babushka with too many bags of potatoes, Russia’s economy is... somehow still standing. Limping? Yes. Swearing? Probably. But standing nonetheless. Welcome to the bizarre bazaar that is modern Russian economics: a reality-defying carnival where tanks roll off the assembly line faster than consumer goods, the rouble moonwalks into top performance territory, and Putin’s economic strategy seems to involve equal parts war budgets, oil hacks, and a shrug in the direction of Western outrage. So let’s dive in, shall we? Bring your irony detector. It’s going to be working overtime. Sanctions? Nyet Problem! Let’s get the obvious out of the way: Russia is the most sanctioned country on Earth. It's basically the geopolitical version of yo...