Ah, June. That glorious time of year when the sun burns your skin like it’s trying to barbecue you alive, your thighs fuse together in denim shorts like some DIY flesh-colored zip tie, and Who What Wear pops up in your feed with a helpful reminder that if you’re not spending $300 on a tank top, you’re basically a nudist.
Welcome to Your June Shopping List Is Here: 10 Items to Prioritize Over Everything Else, aka Let’s Gaslight the American Public Into Thinking They Need $480 Scarves to Survive Summer. Allyson Payer, a Senior Editor at Who What Wear and apparently a certified high priestess of seasonal consumerism, has lovingly curated a collection of overpriced “essentials” for us underachieving proletarians to gawk at while eating instant ramen in front of a fan.
Let’s dig into this month’s dystopian dream closet.
1. Knit Tank Tops
"I tend to wear my simple knit tanks a lot," Allyson confesses, probably while gently misting her collection of $320 TOTEME tanks with Evian and reading Proust. But don’t worry, there’s also a “budget” option for just $18 from H&M—aka the price of your lunch and dignity.
Because what screams “summer basic” more than spending your car insurance premium on a stretchy undershirt?
Also: hot tip. If you're sweating through that $320 tank top in a public park, at least you can tell strangers it's “TOTEME” and they’ll be too embarrassed to admit they don’t know what that is.
2. Athletic Shorts
We’ve reached the “elevated gym shorts” portion of the fantasy. This season’s suggestion? Wear $105 track shorts and then—this is key—pair them with elegant pieces. Translation: confuse the hell out of everyone. Picture this: satin blouse, diamond tennis bracelet, and... swooshy PE teacher bottoms. Très chic!
But make no mistake—these are not for working out. These are for brunching ironically at an overpriced vegan diner while pretending you just ran a 5K. You didn’t. You ran from your responsibilities to a Nordstrom sale.
3. Raffia Accessories
Designers are “making everything out of raffia.” That’s not a trend, that’s a cry for help.
From hats to belts to bags, we’re now living in a straw-forward universe. If you’ve ever wanted to look like an artisanal picnic basket, this is your moment. Nothing says effortless summer elegance like being mistaken for wicker furniture.
And yes, that’s a $3000 Prada raffia bag. For the price of an entire used Prius, you can own a handbag made out of the same material as a craft store placemat.
4. Embellished Heels
Shoes, but make them jewelry. According to Allyson, it’s “jewelry for your feet,” which is exactly what I say when I glue rhinestones to my Payless sandals.
One pair of heels clocks in at $358 and features “multi-straps”. Which we all know is code for “you will need assistance getting in and out of these death traps and you will fall on uneven pavement.”
But fashion isn't supposed to be functional—remember that. If you’re not risking a sprained ankle for the look, are you even trying?
5. Summer Jeans
“Lightweight denim” is an oxymoron, much like “ethical fast fashion” or “affordable NYC rent.” Still, Allyson wants us to know that we can keep wearing jeans, as long as they’re $238 from Agolde, the patron saint of overhyped basics.
These jeans are “airy,” “lightweight,” and “easy”—you know, like every dude who ghosted you after three Hinge dates.
Pro tip: if you’re sweating through your ass crack before 10 a.m., maybe it’s time to embrace shorts. Or better yet—lean fully into the jelly shoes life and float through Target like the barefoot goddess you are.
6. Crochet Pieces
Crochet is “timeless,” in the way that student debt is timeless: persistent, annoying, and expensive to undo.
To be fair, some of these pieces are cute. A $50 Zara crochet dress? Sure, why not. But you know what’s really timeless? That moment when you realize you just paid fifty bucks to wear a doily and now your armpits are tangled in yarn knots like a baby bird in a fishing net.
Also, let’s be honest: crochet is not for the faint of heart or boob. That “delicate, breezy look” turns into “nipple roulette” the moment a gust of wind hits. Bon voyage, modesty.
7. Jelly Shoes
Ah yes, the 90s called. They want their foot fungus back.
Jelly shoes are having a moment, according to Allyson. Which is code for “we’re all nostalgic for a time before rent was $2K and the ocean was 60% microplastic.” Now you can relive your childhood by slipping into shoes that squeak, sweat, and stick to sidewalks like melted gummy bears.
For just $198 (Vince), you too can pretend you’re five years old with a credit card. Don’t forget to accessorize with a Hello Kitty bandaid after your inevitable blister battle.
8. Silk Scarves
Scarves! In June! Because nothing says “summer-ready” like wrapping your sweaty neck in a $480 silk noose from Pucci.
Allyson suggests wearing it as a belt, in your hair, or “around your neck and so on,” which implies we’re one styling suggestion away from inventing a new karate belt system. Don’t just wear it—weaponize it.
Because nothing screams casual summer vibes like spending your utility bill on a square of fabric designed to slowly suffocate you on the subway.
9. Versatile Dresses
This is the part where Allyson wants to save you time. With a $268 maxi dress. That’s not saving time—that’s reallocating your student loan payment to a pile of cotton with a cinched waist.
Apparently these dresses take you “from day to night,” which sounds like an aspirational way of saying, “I wore this to work and then passed out in it after two margaritas.”
They’re “versatile” in the same way your ex was “emotionally available”—which is to say: technically, but not in practice.
10. Linen Jackets
“Polished linen jackets are a thing this summer.” Translation: You need a blazer that looks like it’s been through a wind tunnel, and costs the GDP of a small nation.
Linen, as we all know, wrinkles if you even look at it funny. So naturally, the fashion girlies are now embracing it as a symbol of “effortless cool.” Nothing says effortlessness like dry cleaning, steamers, and strategically carrying your iced matcha to avoid sweat patches.
Bonus points if you wear it in 90-degree weather and pretend it’s “breezy.” It’s not. You’re dying. But you look amazing doing it.
Final Thoughts: “Shop Smarter,” They Say… While Holding a Prada Raffia Bag
Allyson Payer’s “10 Things to Buy” list is not so much a shopping guide as it is a glossy fever dream from a parallel universe where money means nothing and linen jackets don’t crease. It’s aspirational consumerism dressed up in affiliate links and the warm hug of brand sponsorship.
Let’s be real: the average person isn’t casually throwing $3000 at a straw purse, or choosing between three different $200 jelly shoes. Most of us are out here trying to find a pair of Target flip-flops that won’t give us plantar fasciitis by August.
And yet, every month, Who What Wear returns to remind us that our wardrobes are somehow lacking. That this June, if we don’t own raffia, embellished heels, silk scarves, crochet pants, and a selection of knit tanks in “neutral and trendy colors,” we’ve failed as human beings. Or at least as fashion consumers. And isn’t that really the same thing?
So thank you, Who What Wear. Thank you for showing us the fashion dream—and for giving us a good laugh while we click over to Poshmark and search “TOTEME dupe under $20.”
Now excuse me. I have to go see if I can crochet a raffia hat out of the Trader Joe’s bag under my sink.
Coming next month: July’s Shopping List. Spoiler alert: it’s just sunscreen, bug spray, and emotional resilience.